Miscellaneous Journal Entries

I went looking through some of my dad’s old books (He wrote journal entries and cooking recipes in the same book for easier accessibility), and I found something that sort of scares me. It’s written in sort of a simple scratch lettering, like if it was written in the dark, which is kind of odd, since he normally writes very nicely. The notes in parentheses are mine.

Oct 27, 1991 (Two months or so before I was born)

“I’ve been having these dreams again. They always start on nights when the trees hit the windows. I keep dreaming about my son. He is going to be born in a few months, the doctor says. But whenever I have these dreams, I hear this ominous sound like the air is just being pushed by some invisible subwoofer, and is rushing past my head in a pulse. Then I saw a man. I think it was my boy all grown up (It’s not me, goddammit). He is tall and skinny, I can’t see his face, but his eyes are dark spheres, and he has a weird gait as he moves toward me. His hair flows past his shoulders, and it looks like hes walking on that. I hear something being repeated over and over:
When you fear me, I love you; when you cower, I draw near to protect you; I will always protect you, I will always watch you. Your blindness is my omniscience; your weakness, my omnipotence. Until the day you die. Until the day you die.
I don’t hear the words, but they always stick in my head. I’m going to watch over my son. Until the day I die, until the day he dies.”

(A journal entry. Written around a taped-in photograph later removed.)
10/7/88 Thought: Why always in photo b/g? Conj.: Nobody looks for him. Always accidental. Coincidence. –SOLVED(?)– Found three photos from S.M. hunters. One was usual b/g appearance. Rest no good, were supposed to be dead-on photos of the guy. Recovered photos ruined. Definitely not overexposure. Likely innate quality of S.M., only found after photography developed*. People can draw him without pictures going bad, problem being most people don’t get a good look at him. Or get a very good look at him and are killed/go crazy. Lose/lose situation for us.
(Other side of paper.) *Maybe developed this reflexively, when photos first invented. Or when first taken picture of. Or maybe he just can’t be photographed because we don’t have the tools to catch what he is on film in full detail.
Why show up at all? Bad luck for photographers? Idea: drawn to the flash, not too likely given daytime spottings but possible for night. (Leads to question, why photographers period? More later.)

Entry 232:

Woke up at 5:22am. Had dream about a deeply wooded ravine. I was falling down towards its bottom, but not falling at the same time. I was able to perceive and place my foot or a hand at the right place at the right time to maintain momentum but not injure myself. It’s the closest I’ve come to flying in a dream. Vivid dreams were part of the side effects of the medication, and my journal has been testament to this.

Work went by as usual in the coffee shop’s juice bar. We’ve had less customers as of late, but with fall coming quickly, its to be expected. Lindsay said that we’ll cut back on orders and focus on hot drinks within the next week. At the park I shared my sandwich crusts with the birds. Saw a strange black one with a white crest on its chest with a central black spot, and the rest of him black. Much like a magpie, but much larger. Was eating what looked like a smaller bird, and it watched me the entire time with it’s eye. I don’t know why it struck me as such, but it felt like it was just in making such a claim.

My math class is trying my patience. Even moreso with my dysnumeria, but dealing with a class of 300 and a single teacher as a speck at a podium, it’s not exactly easy to be focused. Jeremy sat next to me again. I could swear he couldn’t take his eyes off me. He’s kind of cute, but in a endearing little brother sort of way.

Took my pill at 9pm. Already feeling light headed. I’m going to go lie down now.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License