Noah makes a Blogspot page entitled “Noah Maxwell’s Archive” to supplement the Tribe Twelve videos. The main pages will link to posts as they occur. This page is divided due to Wikidot character limits; see Journal of Milo Asher (cont.) for the second half.
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Table of Contents
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Noah Maxwell's Archive
A digital record of Milo Asher's Journal
this blog is hereby protected and guarded against malicious intruders using severance
by posting this symbol i permanently block access to those who intend to tamper with or destroy this information
About
my name is noah maxwell and welcome to my waking nightmare. hosted here is the contents of milo asher's journal.
whispers
my name is noah maxwell. i am the owner of the tribetwelve channel on youtube. i have created this blog to document the contents of my late cousin milo asher's journal.
milo's journal
today is my 25th birthday and i am a hollow husk of a human being. these past few years have turned me cold and pensive, but through my tenacious study i have found truth. i am not the man i thought i would be when i was younger, but i've since found out that i was always destined to end up this way. over six years ago, my cousin milo asher died and demons that had haunted him began creeping into my life because i looked too deep into his grave and slipped down the same rabbit hole he did. after a time, a briefcase full of his belongings was left at my doorstep. among other curious things, he left to me his personal diary. this journal has a lock on it, and the key provided did not work.
for months this tome spoke to me, whispered things to me. the things it said ranged from dispiriting to insipid to insidious. it went from telling me that it loved me to repeating the fortunes i kept finding around my home to saying that everyone ive ever known will die. it was maddening, and even when i began to get somewhat used to it, almost finding it pleasant having someone to talk to, i grew to hate the book. i began to suspect that it was a bear trap in disguise, forcing it open being exactly what they'd want me to do. so i didn't. and i sat on it for the longest of times disillusioned thinking that if i didn't play their game, id be safe. but that's not how the game works. the powers that be didn't like my stagnancy and they tricked me into making my next move: losing the journal.
after a series of grueling trials to reacquire this fucking thing, i had a breakthrough and discovered just how powerful the eye-like symbol really is. it can do more than just sever ties with something. it is a reality hacking tool that can serve as a gateway portkey as well as even be used as a kind of super spyglass if one so wished, but most importantly its objective can also be undone and used in reverse to bind things. by ascribing meaning into it, one can use it to lock or unlock all kinds of things in uniquely specific ways depending upon what purpose you infuse your inscription with. i thusly use the presence of the severance rune here to block anyone attempting to disturb the contents of this blog.
once i learned how to properly operate this symbol, i was able to manipulate it in such a way that allowed me access to the knowledge within. upon learning how to do this and other distressing information, i was presented with a very difficult choice: to keep the soul of the journal alive, or to open it and silence it. i reluctantly decided to open it and the whispering ceased forever. for a year i dissected the contents of this cursed object over and over and over. i learned of milo's hellish life, unearthed more about a group of madmen who lead so many astray, read of a dead father back from the grave, investigated a conman who started it all, shed light on the terrible woman that milo called mother, and logged a series of paradoxes that changed all of our lives.
i love you milo. thank you for your unimaginable sacrifice. i will never forgive myself for not being there for you in your most darkest of days, but i thank you for sharing some of mine in whatever form you may have been in. reading of your courage inspires me to keep on going. i will keep your essence alive with this record, just as i did with the videos. you're still by best friend. i miss you so much man. i miss the whispers.
unveiling
please rise.
there is no excuse for my absence. so here's an excuse.
coming to terms with what i have done, what i have discovered, and what i will become has been terribly crippling. i've tried time and time again to ignore the unspeakable horrors behind door number one. i know that to continue my journey this door must be opened and the hell beyond it faced, but i keep pathetically pretending that one day they will all just dissolve into the ether from whence they came. but they are eternal. and i know this. while i'm foolish to underestimate them and their supreme power, i have taken humiliating refuge in the equally unspeakable horror of knowing that i will eventually become one of them. discovering the luxury of having a mysterious upper hand in an impossible game of four dimensional chess has made me drunk with shameful procrastination.
upon making this blog all those months ago i immediately felt the urge to delete it, not because i knew it would ensure my sinking deeper into the vile quicksand of this game, but because i was mercilessly nagged by the notion that it may somehow aid the opposing team. however, at this juncture, the knowledge of a divine causality loop maintained by firebrand has empowered me. i've come to the realization that if what i am doing now is indeed wrong, i would surely be stopped and led on the right path. he has this power. i have seen it. i am simultaneously both the rat in the maze and the experimenter. so why fear a game that is actively rigged in my favor? i am effectively invincible. as long as i'm alive. so fuck it. time to play my turn.
after over a year of fearful hesitation i think it's finally time to present milo's corpse to the public. it has taken all of the energy left in me to shake off the shackles of my own design and come back to this forgotten blog. as much as it's a deeply personal account truly meant for me as an aid to my absurd situation, i feel that he would want his story told to everyone. when milo wrote to his diary, he was really writing to all of us. he was shouting into the lonely void of a silent book with no one to hear his cries for most of his life and i feel that somehow, somewhere, putting more eyes on his chronicle will make him feel less alone. either way, i have been documenting his legacy for years and it would be a downright disgrace to stop now.
this is milo's second funeral. a mourning of the living account. what follows is a eulogy in the form of his own diary.
please be seated.
foreword
dedication
Milo,
I understand how the world can seem, at times, a dark place. I know that you feel alone, standing at the mouth of a great void, and knowing that there are things that are staring back through the darkness. But know that we can smile back. Know that it is all we can do, is smile, and know that there are others who know what we do.Your doctor and friend,
James Corenthal
july 23 1995
July 23 1995
My name is Milo Asher. I am six years old. The docter wants me to write in this book. He gave it to me today. He is a nice man. It has a lock and key so only I can read and write in it. He wants me to write about the big man. This will be my diary and it will help me with writing. Miss Robinson says practice makes perfect. I love to write.
school
july 25 1995 - august 7 1995
July 25 1995
Today is a nice day. First grade is starting soon. I miss my frends. I like seeing my frends at school. Math is my favorite class. I also like recess time.July 27 1995
Today is a cold day. I ate a peanut butter jelly sandwich. My mommy made it for me. Mommy makes the best sandwiches.August 2 1995
I saw the big man today! I think so. He was standing outside of the school. He plays hide and seek all the time. Sometimes I cant find him. I know he is there because he always is. The docter did not tell me who the man is. Mommy says that it is my imagination but it is real. He is real.August 7 1995
I started school today! School was fun. I got a gold star in english class and met some boys and girls. Jeremy is a nice friend that I made. He is also 6 like me and likes cars too.
broken
august 10 1995 - august 25 1995
August 10 1995
Today is warm. I told Jeremy about the big man. Jeremy told the other kids at lunch and they made fun of me. I am not friends with Jeremy anymore.August 19 1995
No one wants to be my friend. They think I am weird. The sychologist is mean. I think I am the only one who can see the man. I think i am broken inside.August 21 1995
I made a new friend today. He is named Kevin. His skin is dark and knows alot of jokes. I like him more than Jeremy. He didnt tease me or anything like the others. He told me he is teased too but I will not tell him about the big man because he mite make fun of me.August 25 1995
Kevin sits next to me in Lunch every day. Pizza day is the best. He does not have many friends
august 25 1995 - september 9 1995
like me. I think it is because he reads comics alot. I hurt my knee at recess today. I wish everyday was pizza day.
September 4 1995
No school today because it is Laber Day. Miss Robinson gave us three pages of home work. I am so mad! I do not like home work! I called Kevin and he said that I can sleep over this weekend. I am so excited!September 8 1995
Im at Kevins house! Mommy didnt want me to go but I lied and said that we have to work together on homework. We played Spyro* and drew pictures. Kevin is my best friend.September 9 1995
My birthday is in a week. I am going to turn seven years old. I want a party but Mommy does not have enouf money so we cant afford one. I watched TV with Kevin all day and now my head hurts.
*spyro the dragon was released for the playstation on september 9 1998 - three years after this entry. how the hell did they play the game three years early?
birthday
september 16 1995 - september 19 1995
September 16 1995
TODAY IS MY SEVENTH BIRTHDAY! I am 7 years old. Cousin Noah came to visit from Florida. He is a nice guy. His mommy bought me a kitten! I am glad mommy let me keep him. I named him Oscar and he is orange. He is my first pet and I love him alot. Noah and Kevin and Eric slept over at my house. I love my birthday because Mommy will let people stay over. I wish I knew Daddy more.September 19 1995
The big man was at school again. He was behind the big blue gate at recess time. I pointed but Kevin did not see him. I cried a little but Kevin didnt make fun of me. Kevin is a good friend. I want to show him Oscar this weekend. I had a strange dream about Grandpa. He was sitting at a table and angry.
hate
september 22 1995 - october 4 1995
September 22 1995
I hate Mommy. I brought Kevin home on the bus and she got mad. She does not like me bringing kids home without telling but she never lets me have anyone over ever. She called his mommy and he left. I am grounded for the weekend. What did I do? What did I do. I am so mad at Mommy. I have Oscar.September 29 1995
I got in trouble. Jeremy called me bad names at recess and I kicked him. I had to talk to the principal. He is a scary bald man. He reminds me of the big man. I am grounded again. He called me dork and shit head but I get in trouble because I hurt him but he hurt me more. It isnt fair I want Jeremy to die. I got sent home and didnt get to have pizza. I hate everyone.October 4 1995
I had a bad dream about the big man again. I have dreams of him a lot. The house was empty and I was alone with my flashlight. I hided from him but he found me and I screamed but
october 4 1995 - october 6 1996
my voice was gone. I woke up and he was in my closet and I screamed. Mommy came in and turned on the light and no one was there. The man in my ear wispers he wants to take me and the other kids on a vacation. I do not like him and I dont want to go with him any where. I cant sleep.
October 6 1995
I am bored to day. Mommy doesnt play with me alot. She talks on the phone and watches TV and smokes sigaretes and leaves for book club on fridays and I can never come. A new man comes over to stay with Mommy some times named Rick. They scream at each other at night and its scary. He wants me to call him daddy. He calls me squirt. I am not a squirt. He is not my daddy. He doesnt care about me or play games with me. I know my real that daddy died when I was a baby but I really want a real daddy to live with. Maybe he would play with me. Oscar sleeps all day and wont play much. Mommy wants me to take pills. I dont like the pills because they make me feel sick.
virus
october 13 1995 - october 20 1995
October 13 1995
I hate everything. The kids beat me up today. The big man was behind the jungle gym and I ran to the slide and they pushed me down and laffed. My leg is sprayned and I have a cast on my leg. Michael and Jeremy got a referal. Sometimes he has more than 2 arms. Mommy says the big man is in my imagination. My imagination scares me.October 20 1995
My leg is getting better but now Im sick with flu. Mommy makes me take more gross medecine and pills but makes good soup. The docter says I have a virus. Im glad I dont have to go to school but my leg hurts bad and I feel really sick. Oscar doesnt care that I am sick. He sleeps with me anyway. I dont like it when Rick hits Mommy because it makes her cry. He reminds me of Jeremy. I had a nightmare too I was in my bed and couldnt move. The door opened and a man came over to my bed and told me to get a book from grandpa. He was made of blackness. He scares me like the big man does. They are friends.
october 22 1995
October 22 1995
I cant do anything because I have a high fever. I am sore all over and cough alot. I have to read books for class but I dont want to because reading is boring. Video games are fun but they get boring. The big man is outside my window some times when I look. I wish I had a brother or sister or a real daddy to play with. Being alone is nice but it is boring. I wish Noah lived closer too because was fun to play with. I have weird dreams when I have high fever. Last night I dreamed that I was hugging my real daddy Robert next to a lake and it felt really real but I dont know if it was a dream or a memory.YOU WILL KICK
AND YOU WILL SCREAM
AND TELL YOURSELF
IT IS ONLY A DREAM
BUT YOUR EYES ARE OPEN
THE PINCH YOU CAN FEEL
FOR YOU ARE NOT ASLEEP
THE DREAM IS
REALI do not remember writing this.*
*i think this may be older milo commenting on this entry from years later
angel
october 30 1995 - november 11 1995
October 30 1995
I am not sick anymore. Back to school today. We learned about dinosaurs today. They are animals that are millions of years old. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and see them alive and not bones. When Mommy came to pick me up today I saw the big man in the courtyard with the trees. I asked mommy if she could see him and she said no. I hate it when Mommy smokes in the car because it smells bad. The big man was down the street from my house. Why does he wear a business suit? Maybe he has a meeting to get to?November 3 1995
Im going to Noahs house in Florida for his birthday! I am so excited! Mommy said that we are going in a week. I am so happy and I cant wait to see him. I dont have many friends in Alabama. I had a strange dream again. I was in this dark house and I saw the dark man. He told me to follow him and he showed me this door and told me to open it. I woke up before I could open it. I wet the bed.November 11 1995
Im in Florida now for Noahs birthday. He is four years old. Noah is a lot of fun. He has a big house and its
november 11 1995 - november 15 1995
very pretty. Rick didnt come because Mommy made him clean up my pee and he got mad and left. I saw the big man again but I didnt look and kept playing. We played a bunch of video games and swam in his pool. I wish Noah lived closer. He is young but we are nice friends.
November 12 1995
I saw the man before I left Noahs house. He stood outside of a window. He had branches again this time. They moved. He looked like a black tree. I saw him a lot when I was at Noahs house. Maybe he is a guardian angel like in the stories. I dont think so. Angels have faces.November 15 1995
I saw him for the second time today… why does he not move? I was at school having lunch and I went to the bathroom and he was there. He was closer now so I ran at him. I dont remember but I woke up on the floor outside my house with scratches and I was really scared. I went inside and there was the police. They said I was gone for a whole day. It is now November 16. I am in the car going to the hospital now. Mommy is calm. Mommy is calm when she smokes.
i barely remember milo staying over. one of my earliest memories was playing tag in my pool. i never saw the big man. at least i dont remember that i did.
glasses
november 17 1995 - november 20 1995
November 17 1995
Docters said I am ok I think. I stayed the night at the hospital. Mommy had to leave because of book club. A man came to visit me at night. I pretended to be asleep and he said he loved me and kissed my head. I think it was the docter but I dont know if it was a dream. I am heading back home but I have to take more pills now. I hate the pills. They make me dizzy and sick. If I am sick why do I take pills that make me sick? Mommy doesnt like me talking about the big man. She gets sad. I want to go to New York for cristmas because I want to see snow and meet my famly. Rick doesnt want to go but Mommy said we definately will. Im not as sad today.November 20 1995
Kids at school made fun of me again because they said I ran away but I didnt. Kevin is still a good friend. At least I have Kevin. He just got some glasses because his eyes dont work okay. He asked what happened and I told him the truth. He is the only person who listens to me about the big no face man. I am scared of the
november 20 1995 - december 6 1995
big man because he does not do anything most times. Kevin thinks it is a ghost but I think it is a monster. I dont know if he is a good monster or a bad monster. Why am I seeing a monster?
December 6 1995
I thought I lost my journal but I kept it under my bed and forgot. The pills Mommy makes me take make me forget more and give me weird dreams. Sometimes I only pretend to take them. Mommy said Rick is gone for good and I am happy. He was really mean and hit me because I ate his snacks. But Mommy is sad and lonely like me now so I am sad too. I wish I could talk to docter Corenthal who gave me this journal about the big man. I asked Mommy but she said that she cant find his phone number. I tried to look up Dr Corenthal at the library but I cant find out how to call him and Im afraid to ask Mommy again because she says the big man isnt real and I dont want her to be sad and angry at me.
grandpa
december 16 1995 - december 25 1995
December 16 1995
FINALY! It is cristmas break! No more school or homework or bullys. I got an award for the best grades in the class. They called me nerd and geek but I felt ok because I am smarter than them and can prove it. Mommy said we are going to New York for a family reunion soon. I do not know any body except grandpa and grandma. Grandpa is a grumpy old man who doesnt speak english much and grandma is quiet and strict.December 21 1995
I am on a plane now! It was scary for a bit but now its cool to see the ground from way up high because everyone looks like little ants. My ears hurt and it is shakey. Mommy gets nervus when we fly. Im sad because I couldnt bring Oscar but he is ok. We are going to get pizza when we land. I love pizza! I cant wait to play in the snow and make snow angels!December 25 1995
Merry Christmas! There is so much snow and it is awesome. The family reunion
december 25 1995 - december 26 1995
happened today. I met alot of cousins and other relatives. I have a cousin named Will and a neece named Elizabeth but they are kinda boring. We had good food and had a cristmas party. Grandpa was sitting all by himself. I said hello but he didnt hear me. He looked at me and said some thing funny sounding. He looked angry like from my dreams and grabbed my arm. Mommy took me away and said not to talk to grandpa. I dont understand.
December 26 1995
I went to sleep and woke up at a strange house. It was dark and scary. I walked around and found a door. It was from my dream. I opened it and found a weird box. I wanted to open it but I dont know why. I got it open and the light went on and grandpa was there with a big gun. He yelled at me and I ran. I ran down the stairs and got out the door. Mommy was there with the police. Why did grandpa kidnap me?
jumanji
december 27 1995 - december 29 1995
December 27 1995
I think grandpa is in trouble. The police men came in the morning and I cried because I thought I was going to jail. I didnt go to jail but Mommy looked reeeally nervus. I have never seen her eyes look so big and worried. She was on the phone all day talking to someone in grandpas weird words. I stayed at Will and Elizabeths house and Noah was there too and we painted some pictures. Will and Elizabeth are really both my cousins because I thought a neece means girl cousin but it doesnt. I got dropped off because Mommy has a book club up here too. Mommy really likes reading books.December 29 1995
We are flying home today. Im going to miss my relatives even though I dont really know them because home is lonely. I got some new books to read from Elizabeth because she read them already. Mommy didnt seem interested in the books. Sometimes Mommy is confusing like that. I think she only likes big boring grownup books. I saw the big man at the airport outside the plane. He followed me.
january 1 1996 - january 4 1996
January 1 1996
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Im going to see the Jumanji movie with Kevin. UPDATE: It was a super cool movie! These kids play an old bored game that becomes real. Kevin made me laugh so hard at the movie we got shhhed by people! I really like Robin Williams hes so funny. I wonder what it would be like to get sucked into a jungle game like him. I wonder what would happen if no one ever found the game. Would he be stuck there forever?January 4 1996
I woke up in my bathroom in the middle of the night. This happens some times. The docter said I am sleep walking. This time was different because I saw a man in my room. He was the dark man like from my dream but he was real. The big tall man was outside the window too and he had many arms but the smiling dark man said I was safe for now. He had small dots for eyes and he said that I will need to help Noah. I asked how and he said three numbers 5 12 30 and pointed to this journal on my desk. I blinked and then they were gone. It was not a dream. I know it was not a dream because I did not sleep for two days after I blinked.
lying
january 8 1996 - febuary 26 1996
January 8 1996
Im back to school from winter break. Im half happy and half sad. Im happy because I get to hang out with Kevin more but Im sad because Miss Robinson is on materniny leave because she had a baby and we have a substitute teacher now. He is named Mr Darvil and he is an ass hole! He put me in time out for joking about his funny hair. He saw my drawing of him and he got really mad! Im getting better at drawing and miss Robinson said I was creative but Mr Darvil is a meany basterd! He gave Jeremy a referal for shooting spitballs at Jenny and he cried hard. He likes Jenny but Jenny hates him. Ha Ha Ha! Fuck you Jeremy.February 26 1996
Sorry that I have not been writing for a while. I have been away doing homework and playing video games. I have been seeing the big man more times now. Some times he is at the lunchroom hiding in the dark part of the stage. Some times he hides by the big trees at recess. It is hard to take a big test when he is outside the window looking at me. I know he is looking at me
febuary 26 1996 - march 4 1996
even though he does not have a face because I can feel it when he looks.
March 4 1996
I forget to write down when I see the big man some times because of my memory issues. But I remembered today. Today Mommy picked me up and when she drove around the corner she screeched the car stop. I hit my head on the seat and it hurt and it was really scary. We backed up and drove real fast down the back road we dont drive down much. I didnt say anything I was so scared and when we got home Mommy said wow almost hit those baby ducks. I didnt see any ducks. But I saw the big man in the road. Mommy locked herself in her room and has been on the phone for 5 hours now talking to someone since we got home. I think Mommy can see him too. Why is mommy lying to me?
mouse
march 12 1996 - april 2 1996
March 12 1996
Oscar caught me a mouse today. He left it at my feet in the morning. I was proud of him because he is a good hunter but also I was sad for the mouse because he just wanted a warm and safe place to live. I buried him in the yard. I feel like the mouse alot. Not that I need a place to live but that I feel like I am being hunted by the big man and his scary friends. They look like my friends and family. He gets closer every day and I dont know why. Mommy still will not talk to me when I bring it up. I keep having dreams like last night about being at grandpas house looking for his special book. I know all his hiding places now because they keep showing me. When I am there I dont feel the big man looking at me. I have this dream the most.April 2 1996
Didnt see Kevin today. Maybe hes sick too? I dont like eating lunch alone. I got brave after school and I asked Mommy if I can go to the book club with her. She just said no Im not old enough for it yet. I asked what they do and she said they read books and talk about them. I think its like reading time in
april 2 1996 - april 12 1996
school but for gownups. The grownup books are big and boring and hard to read but Im glad it makes Mommy happy though. Maybe if I read more Mommy will love me more. I wish I could jump into the story books and excape real life. Mommy has a new man coming over now and his name is Scott. He is more nice than Rick but he feels like a business man and not a daddy. Business men remind me of the big man.
April 7 1996
Im naked in a big thick pool and it smells really bad and I cant see and I can barely breath. I swim and swim and swim and then I find a wall. It is slimy and gross and made of skin. I am in a big stomack. I touch my tummy and theres a big cord going in my belly button. I cant see but I feel there are others inside with me. They are screaming. Then I wake up.April 12 1996
Today was the closest I saw the big man. I went to the bathroom to pee and he was there across the room. He had 12 arms
april 12 - may 13 1996
and looked like a octopus. I said hello and asked his name but he didnt talk back. I got angry and threw a toilet paper roll at him and then I woke up on the floor at the end of school with a big head ake. Im going to the docter now because my ears were bleeding. Turns out I was ok and Mommy said she has a suprise for me if I do good in school. I think its the new Nintendo 64 game system that comes out soon because Ive been talking about it alot at dinner. There is a new Mario game for it too and it looks so cool because its 3D and not flat 2D like my real Daddys old games. Its like the Spyro game Kevin has and I really wanna play it. I hope Mommy gets it for me.
fly
may 23 1996 - may 26 1996
May 23 1996
Today is the last day of school. I’ve been studying hard to impress Mommy so I can get the game. I’m at the top of the class in english and social studies but I have to work on math. We went to the store today and I saw Mommy looking at the electronic gaming monthly magazine so the surprise has gotta be the Nintendo 64. I saw the big man in the corner of the store under a broken light but I didn’t care because he doesn’t do anything if I don’t. Mommy and I walked right past him. Maybe Mommy can’t see him? Maybe not like I do? Another new man came today and I think his name is Alan. I stayed in my room because he had big muscles and was scary.May 26 1996
Today I was happy because it’s sunday and Mommy and I played some board games. Scott came back and kissed Mommy and played with us but Alan also comes over on other days and kisses her too. Mommy is looking for a new daddy but I don’t think they know about each other and that’s scary. I don’t like any of them because they
may 26 1996 - june 7 1996
don’t want to talk or play with me. I wonder why Mommy has that mark on her hand. She doesn’t want to talk about it when they bring it up and whenever I ask about it she gets sad.
June 7 1996
Summer camp started today. It’s still at school but we do fun art stuff instead of learning. I saw the big man standing outside my door except it wasn’t him it was a new man that came in and kissed Mommy before camp. He was really nice and gave me candy but Alan was over yesterday too. I don’t think Mommy is doing the right thing but she is less sad. Kevin and I went to the mall after camp. I lied to Mommy again and said it was for a group art project because I don’t think our mommys get along. Mommy was with the new man any way so she didn’t care. They had a tape of Super Mario 64 that from the E3 show and it looks so amazing! It was so cool I barely even noticed the big man right behind the counter. I ignored him because video games are awesome and he is just annoying to me like a fly. As long as I don’t pay
june 7 1996 - june 10 1996
attention to him he is just an annoying bug to me.
June 10 1996
The big man was at lunch today when Kevin asked me about him. He said if I can see him now and I said yeah. He didn’t see him but he asked me what he looked like and I said he is a really tall man in a fancy suit without a face and sometimes he has wiggly tenticle arms. He said the big man reminded him of doctor Octopus from Spiderman. I told him he’s not the same. He asked why not and I got frustrated because I couldn’t explain it. He asked me how tall he was and I looked but he was gone. Then I felt him standing right behind me so I just got up and ran back to class early because I’ve never felt that scared before. They say don’t talk to strangers but as strange as the big man is he is not a stranger to me since I’ve been seeing him forever. My first memory was running down the hallway away from my mean nanny and I ran into him and screamed.
tree
july 23 1996 - august 12 1996
July 23 1996
It has been one year since I started this journal. So much has changed and I feel so much older and wiser. My writing has improved and I feel confident. I’m glad I have Oscar and met Kevin and know more of my family but I see the big man more now. I see him much more than when I started writing. I’m sleep walking a lot and forgetting more now too and Mommy is still seeing many men. It makes me sad but the home work keeps me busy and the pills are not as bad so I’m not as sad. I have the same dream over and over about the tall man and his creepy friends. They look like people I know but different. They are dark and scary and want to take me away. I wake up all sweaty.August 12 1996
I woke up in the middle of the night and the big man. He was standing over my bed. I pretended I was asleep but I knew he knew I wasn’t sleeping. When I woke up he was gone but I wet the bed again. This happens a lot. Today was the first day of 2nd grade and it was alright. When I came home today from school Scott was waiting for Mommy. Then
august 12 1996 - august 23 1996*
Alan came too and punched Mommy hard and wrestled with Scott in the yard. Mommy got a big black eye and the police came and took them away. The police man told me Mommy is not allowed to have two daddys.
August 23 1996
We learned how to draw family trees today in school. Mommy helped me with it for home work. I learned about people in my family that I’ve never heard of before. Mommy’s side is bigger than Daddy’s side and more alive too. I never met Grandpa and Grandma Asher because they were gone before I was born but Aunt Jo is really nice and Tommy is also cool. I wish I lived with them sometimes or Noah’s family or anywhere else. I love Mommy but I wish we could live with nice people to play with and not strange men pretending to be my daddy.
september 16 1996
September 16 1996
Today is my 8th birthday! I am twice as old as I was when I was 4. Kevin was sick with the flu so I didn’t really have a party but Mommy got me cake and we went to see Fly Away Home. It was a nice movie about raising some ducks. Because I got good grades Mommy finally told me the surprise! She’s going take me to the book club soon! I was a little upset it wasn’t Nintendo 64 but I’m still excited because this is even better! I like reading a lot more now. I’m learning more stuff and getting into reading harder books for big kids. Maybe I can read along with Mommy and we can talk about the stories and have more fun together!
our family tree**
*that dream that milo had on september 4 was the same exact recurring dream that i had years ago and was mocked with by them.
**my dad took my mom's last name. it happens sometimes. i never thought much of it.
club
october 1 1996 - november 10 1996
October 1 1996
Oscar ran out and went missing for two days and I was so scared that the big man would get him but he came back all dirty but ok. I think Mommy is taking a break from daddys because no one has come over in a while. Mommy is sad again and still talks a lot to the mystery person on the phone. The big man was at the window today by the tree and I played a trick on Mommy. I said what kind of bird is that and pointed to him. She said she didn’t see any bird. Mommy doesn’t take any pills and she is ok. I’m going to stop taking my pills.November 10 1996
Mommy surprised me this morning saying that after school tomorrow she’s taking me to the book club! I’m so excited! I thought we would go on a friday like she usually does but this is neat too! I’m going to bring some of my favorite books The Hardy Boys Tower Treasure and Where the Wild Things Are to show them. I’m going to try to make some friends there if there are other kids who read a lot like I do. I don’t think they would make fun of me like the kids at school who call me names. I can’t wait till tomorrow!
november 11 1996
November 11 1996*
Mommy took me to her book club after school. There were no books though. It was a camp fire. There was a bunch of people in big black hoods and they had masks that were white. I think they were wizards. We listened to a man talk about their master and then we drank something like at church. It was gross but Mommy said it was ok so I drank it. I fell asleep and woke up in this dark house with candles. I was wearing a robe and my tummy hurt and my arm had a bandage on it and it was really sore. They made me say weird things and plege allegance like to the flag at school. There was a man with a skeleton face like from my dream. I saw a drawing of the big man on the wall. I pointed and the wizard people started whispering at each other. A man came over to me and said you will be one of us now. I asked what books they read and they gave me this black book with no title that was confusing. They sung a prayer from it in words I didn’t understand and then we went home. Mommy was crying. She said she was so proud of me. I think they drank my blood. Is this what a book club is? I don’t think I like book clubs.
*this happened on my 5th birthday. there is some deep significance to this date that i have yet to figure out. it seems to be connected to everything.
wizards
november 12 1996 - november 13 1996
November 12 1996
Mommy sat me down in the morning and we had a talk about what happened last night. She told me that everyone in the hoods are our friends and that they praise the big man. She said she can’t see him but she believed me when I said I did. Mommy calls him Mr. Slim and says I am the only one who can see him and this makes me special. She has to lie about the friday meetings because it’s a big secret no one knows about. She told me to think of it like church. I asked mommy why we have to go to two churches now and she says it’s to get closer to Daddy and closer to God. I asked if it was the same god like at church. She didn’t say anything but she says that I was born really sick and they are trying to help me but if I tell anyone about them I won’t get healed because if anyone finds out the goverment will take me away and do experements on me like in the alien movies. I can’t tell anyone not even the doctor. I’m good at keeping secrets. I’m still kinda confused but the book club is a super secret club for people who love the big man. I think seeing him makes me sick somehow. I think they know magic and if the pills can’t help me than maybe the wizards can? I’ll be healed soon I think.
november 15 1996 - november 22 1996
November 15 1996
Everything tasted weird today even the pizza. Kevin asked me why my mommy took me out of class early on monday and I lied and said that I had my blood taken which was why I had an arm bandage. Actually I don’t think that was a lie really. It was hard to concentrate in class because I kept thinking about the fake book club and the camp fire wizards and Mr. Slim. Why am I the only one who can see him? Why me? What is he? Mommy says that they will answer all of my questions soon. Mommy was more happy than usual today. That usually means she is seeing another man but I think she’s happy she doesn’t have to lie to me about book club anymore. I’m happy Mommy that is happy but I’m not sure if I trust her more or less now. It was weird seeing Mommy leave today now that I know where she is going. She said I am only allowed to go once a month on the first friday of every month for a clensing but she goes every friday. I’m still not sure what she does there. I think Mommy is still lying to me. Mommy lies so much. I didn’t see Mr. Slim today.
sickness
november 29 1996
November 29 1996
Oscar is sick. We took him to the vet and they think he has some worms because he ate a mouse. He was throwing up and missed his litter box. I’m worried about him so much. At least we can be sick together. I love Oscar. He’s my best friend next to Kevin. At lunch Kevin asked me about the big man again. He said his great aunt sees people who are not there sometimes too like spirits. I told him no it is not the same as spirits because Mr. Slim is real but he just doesn’t understand because he’s not in the club. I forgot I wasn’t suppose to talk about that so I shut up. He said he can talk to spirits with a game he plays. Kevin is my reading partner now so we get to hang out more in class now. We have a reading report due before Christmas and we picked The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. I like it because the cat reminds me of Mr. Slim and how he is a weird looking person that just shows up and makes my life a big mess.
december 3 1996 - december 5 1996
December 3 1996
I haven’t been taking my pills for about a month now and I feel better. My head feels less fuzzy and I think I can remember things more. The medication is suppose to be for my sickness but I don’t think I need it. Mommy gets angry when I don’t take them so I lie like she does and just pretend to take them. Ever since book club I keep having a dream about the woman with the X eyes that looks like Mommy where she is standing in front of a door and crying and screaming at me. Kevin keeps asking about the club now and I keep saying I was just joking. He wants to be part of it and I said why do you keep asking me about it and he says that he thinks he’s part of the club because he thinks he saw the big man last night. I told him there’s no way because I’m the only one who can see him because I’m special. Does my sickness make me special? Maybe not taking the pills can get other people sick? I am so scared that I gave Kevin my sickness. Oscar too.
december 6 1996 - december 7 1996
December 6 1996
Today is the first friday of the month so I went back to the book club that’s not really a club about books. I asked why we went on Monday the 11 and not friday and Mommy says it was because that was a special holy day that I had to be there. Mommy said it was the day that god blinked. I don’t understand. This time we went to the woods to a spooky house. I was called a lamb by the leader man. The hooded people asked me many questions about Mr. Slim. They asked me hard questions like what it was like to be in his presance and something about the fourth world. We had a service where we sang a strange song about how time is an illusion and the second cycle coming. Everyone walked around in a line and touched my forhead. It was better than the first time because nothing bad happened. Before we went home I asked who I could talk to that knows more about Mr. Slim because no one seems to know much since they just asked me stuff and Mommy said I can talk to the man with the skull face. She said he was sick but he would be here next time. They say I’m getting inducted next meeting. We went to Mcdonalds and then home.
seance
december 8 1996
December 8 1996
Our reading report is due in a week so I slept over at Kevin’s house. We went to the market to get groceries and we saw his daddy who is a butcher. That night after we did some work on our reading report Kevin brought out a board game called Ouija. People use it to talk to dead people by moving a glass over letters and numbers. I was scared but Kevin told me he’s done it tons of times and it’s safe if you do it right so I trusted him. We first tried to talk to his dead grandma Beth. He asked if she was with us and the glass we touched moved to yes. I think Kevin was moving it but I played along. It was my turn so I asked the board if my Daddy Robert was with us. Nothing happened. Kevin said to ask it something else so I asked how did he die because I never told Kevin about the house fire. The glass moved and spelled out something that I wrote down.H E L I V E S
I felt a chill in my spine. The big man was watching us. I told Kevin that it wasn’t funny but he said it wasn’t him it was the spirits. I said I wasn’t feeling good so we thanked the board and went to bed. We’ve only visited Daddy’s grave once. I hope the spirits are not lying like Mommy.
december 15 1996
December 15 1996
I was thinking about what the board said all week. Maybe Daddy survived and is alive somewhere. I wanted to ask the spirits more. Because we didn’t finish our reading report I stayed over at Kevin’s house again. After we finished it I asked him if we could ask the Ouija more and he said ok. He took it out and we lit candles this time. Kevin asked if there was anyone with us and the board said yes. He asked who and it saidE P H E M E R I S
I asked where is my Daddy? The board spelled out
O C C U L T A T U M
We didn’t know what that word meant. Then Kevin asked what is the big man? I told him no don’t ask it that but the glass moved.
E S U R I E N S
I felt him looking now. I told Kevin we gotta stop talking about him but he kept moving the glass by himself really fast and I wrote down the letters. He asked where is the big man now?
U N D I Q U E
Kevin looked different. He was smiling big and weird. He looked like one of the dark men from my dreams. He said can we see him now and the board started spelling something but I hit the glass away and shouted STOP at him and then the candles blew out.
december 15 1996 - december 16 1996
I took a match and lit it. Kevin asked what was wrong. Mr. Slim was behind him. His arms wrapped around him and I screamed. I ran out the back door and into the bath room where I’m writing this right now. My nose won’t stop bleeding. I think I got Kevin sick. I’m so sorry Kevin please forgive me.
December 16 1996
I woke up in the bathroom when the door was kicked in. It was Kevin and his daddy. They said I broke a glass and locked myself in the bathroom last night but I don’t remember anything after we finished the report. I don’t remember writing the last entry at all. Kevin seems fine but he said we just watched cartoons and went to bed. There was no nose blood either. I don’t know if I should take the pills or not anymore. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. We presented our reading report at school and got a B. When I got home Mommy said that we’re going to the family reunion again for Christmas. I asked Mommy if Robert will be there. What do you mean she said. Daddy’s part of the family right I said. Yes but Daddy died years ago in the fire honey she said. Are you sure I said. Mommy waited and said yes in spirit don’t talk about him like that. She looked at me really weird. Maybe she doesn’t know.
safe
december 25 1996
December 25 1996
It’s Christmas. I’m in New York now at the family reunion party. Not many people came this time. Grandpa and Grandma are not here because I think Grandpa is still in trouble but aunt Jo and cousin Tommy are here this time. She is Daddy’s sister and she told me stories of how Daddy and her grew up together. Tommy is a really cool 9 year old. He showed me how to play chess and he’s really good at it. Noah is here too and we built houses with legos. Noah’s mommy and my mommy don’t get along. They started yelling at each other about a boat during dinner when aunt Sharon brought up how she got a great deal on a rental and uncle Alex had to break it up. Also something was weird with Kevin before I left. He really wanted to come to New York with me. He didn’t care much last year but now he said he wanted to meet my family. He said he wanted to meet my Grandpa because he’s really into World War 2 stuff now. I saw Mr. Slim watching us play through the second floor window. I ignored him but the entry I don’t remember scares me a lot. I hope Kevin is ok.
december 27 1996
December 27 1996
I woke up at Grandpa’s house again like last time. I tip toed around and heard snoring. Grandpa and Grandma were both sleeping in bed. I don’t think Grandpa kidnapped me. I think I sleep walked there somehow. I don’t know how I got inside but I did. I remembered the house from my dreams so I found a flashlight in a kitchen drawer and I went to check all of Grandpa’s hiding spots that I was showed. The door I went into last year didn’t have the box. There was nothing in the spice drawer. The guest room closet was empty. The last hiding spot was in the basement. It was scary but I felt safe because I couldn’t feel Mr. Slim looking at me at all. I looked behind a water tank and there was a big old safe with a dial. I couldn’t open it but I remembered that the dark man had told me 5 12 30 so I tried those numbers and the safe opened! The weird box from last year was there. Inside it was some junk. A big knife a mask and bag with numbers. In the bag was an old leather book. It was the same one that I saw Grandpa carrying last year that was in my dreams. I untied the book and the front cover had the name Sebastian Kraus crossed out and Karl Maxwell written in below. In the book was a bunch of scribbly handwriting that I could not read. At the end of the book there was something
december 27 1996
there that reminded me of Mr. Slim because I felt him as soon as I saw it. Then I saw someone standing in the darkness. It was Grandpa. But it was the dark one. He was holding up a frying pan and he dropped it and it made a big noise. I put everything back the way it was and he was gone. I saw a light turn on upstairs and yelling so I climbed out of the basement window and ran down the street and hid in some bushes for a while. Then I walked for a long time and a car drove up next to me and the driver asked if I needed a ride. I said no thanks because I’m not suppose to talk to strangers but he said my name and that he was a taxi driver that was sent to pick me up. It was really cold and raining so I got in the car and he gave me a jacket. He didn’t say anything and I couldn’t see his face because he had a scarf over his mouth and big glasses and it was dark. He dropped me off at aunt Jo’s house where I had gone to sleep. I said I didn’t have any money to pay him but he said that I had already paid and drove off. It didn’t look like a taxi at all. I’m very confused but I’m not telling anyone what happened.
contagious
january 1 1997 - january 3 1997
January 1 1997
Aunt Jo told Mommy that I had sleep walked outside and we went to the doctor. Mommy found out I was throwing out my pills because the doctor made me fess up. When we got in the car Mommy smacked me. She said that she’s spending so much money to get me those pills and how do I expect to get better if I don’t take them. I said the book club magic will heal me and she yelled and said one won’t work without the other. I think I’m going to start taking the pills again. I want to stop sleep walking and I don’t want anyone else to get sick. I think what I have is contagious.January 3 1997
Because we’re not in Alabama I thought we weren’t going to go to book club today but I forgot there is a book club up here too. We went into New Jersey and drove at night to a park where we met more hood people that asked me the same questions as down south. They say that I am chosen and that I will help them reach something called godhood. I read some more of the weird black book which is like a bible. I guess they are a book club after all since they follow this one book. I guess church is like a book club too then. I asked about Mr. Slim and they seemed to know more and pointed to parts of the book. They say
january 3 1997 - january 13 1997
the big man is called Gore Eye Layotep and he is a God and we are his children. I must be special if I am the only one who can see God! This must be what it’s like to be one of the popular kids at school. They made me copy the whole book by hand to prepare me for being a member but I didn’t finish because it was long. Mommy said that I’m going to be inducted next month back in Alabama because someone else is already getting inducted here. It was a teenage girl. A new man showed up with a fancy robe and started a ceremony with candles. She recited a poem and was given a mask. On the way home Mommy said that aunt Sharon is having a boat trip soon to get the family closer together. Mommy doesn’t want to go because she has problems with aunt Sharon and grandpa Karl but I really want to go because it sounds like fun and I’ve never been on a boat before.
January 13 1997
I went back to school today. I haven’t seen the man since I have been taking the pills which
january 13 1997 - january 23 1997
is good but I feel fuzzy in the head again. Kevin seemed like his old self showing me the new comics he got but he kept asking about my Grandpa. I said I didn’t see him and he seemed upset. He didn’t ask about the big man or the club. I hope he just forgot about it all. I wonder when they will perform the magic healing spells on me. I had a reoccurring dream where my house was empty and I saw a dark man who looked like me but older holding his neck and I felt a scar on my neck. I think the dark people are shadows of us from another dimension. I’ve seen Kevin Noah Grandpa Mommy and Me. Oh and the skull mask man from book club. I don’t know who the other mask man is. Is he from the book club too? His mask looks different so I don’t know but I think it was the one from Grandpa’s safe.
boat
january 24 1997 - january 27 1997
January 24 1997
Had a really real dream about a dead fox with its eyes popped out. A repair man came over today to fix the TV. I’ve never seen him before but Mommy calls him Mr. Fletcher and she said he used to be friends with Daddy. I asked him about Daddy and he told me some funny stories of when they were in college. I love hearing stories about Daddy even though they make me sad. He fixed our TV and since he had time we played some chess together since I know how to play now! I really like him because he feels like a real daddy and not some random man. I had my door open a crack and I saw Mommy and Mr. Fletcher kissing before he left. I was excited but also scared so I told Mommy that I like him and don’t kiss other guys because I don’t want him going away like the others. She said ok but I hope she means it. When she left for book club I remembered a dream I had where the dark me led me into Mommy’s room where I’m not suppose to go. In the closet was a safe with buttons. I tried 5 12 30 but the combination is more numbers. I wish I could get in. I think that Mommy is hiding more from me and I don’t like it.
february 7 1997
February 7 1997
Today was the big day when I got inducted into the book club! Mommy called me out of school and we drove south for 5 hours to this old abandoned hospital lit by tons of candles. I wanted to speak to the skull man but first they wanted me to write the full club book again because it was tradition but they just teached me what was in it because I don’t write fast and we wouldn’t have time. There are just 3 laws instead of 10 like the bible. Secrecy Submission and Remembrance. We have to hide our identities from the outside world we have to submit to the club’s goals to better mankind and we have to study the truth that’s in the book. They say the big man promises immortality for us all in the fourth world. They said I was special because I am one of the few to ever have seen God. I had to say all these weird phrases like the poems the girl said but they were different poems. After that they gave me a mask and we drank a potion and they sang a song. When the big ceremony was over Mommy took me down a long hallway to another room. The skull man was there and she shut the door behind us. We were alone and I sat down across a table from him. He had a raspy old voice and a
february 7 1997
funny accent like Grandpa. He said I was allowed to ask him 3 questions but I can’t speak to anyone else about the answers not even Mommy. I asked why I was I chosen by Gorr'Rylaehotep. He said since I was born I was chosen for a divine mission to complete the great session because my blood is sacred and it is my birthright. He said that my Grandpa has a holy relic that a harbinger stole from God long ago but he doesn’t want to give it up and I am destined to retrieve it for him. He said I already know what it is from my dreams. I said the leather book and he said yes and that it is magical. I asked when will I be healed and he said once the book is rightfully returned to God. I didn’t know what else to ask because the black book answered a lot and I was nervous so I asked why he wears a skull mask and he said because it proves his covenant with God. I thanked the skull man and he said call me Henka.* Before we left Henka gave Mommy a box and she gave him some cash and we left. I knew the sound that the box made. My pills made that sound. When we walked to the parking lot people were dressed in normal clothes and I saw people I knew. I saw Johnathan from down the road and his wife.
february 7 1997 - february 8 1997
I saw the post office woman and her daughter and also the manager from the Mcdonalds near my house. Mr. Lindell the police man from our town was there because I know his car and I think I even saw Mr. Darvil because of his hair. I guess they keep good secrets. Mommy said she was proud of me again and I love you. I said I love you too. It felt good.
February 8 1997
Tomorrow we are going on the big boat trip. I found out it’s not just a big reunion but a party for Grandpa. Aunt Sharon told Mommy that we owe a lot to Grandpa Karl for getting the family into America after the war so for his 70 birthday she rented a private yaht with a captain and food service and everything to celebrate him. I guess Mommy and Grandpa still don’t like each other so I hope there is no fighting. The whole family is going to be there! Mommy said that along with Grandpa and Grandma going Noah and his parents will be coming. Also Aunt Jo and Tommy will
february 8 1997
be there and the Adler family too. Kevin wants to come but he can’t because the boat can only hold a number of people. I want to bring Oscar to show Noah and Tommy but he’d probably be afraid of the water and I don’t want to scare him. I’m really excited! I’ve never been on a boat before but I’ve read some books about sailing so I’m gonna pretend I’m a Navy sailor fighting in the war like Grandpa or a pirate searching for buried treasure. I hope I don’t get sea sick because I get car sick a lot or when I fly in a plane I feel like I’m gonna throw up. If Grandpa brings the magic book I might try to take it when he isn’t looking so I can give it to Mr. Gorr'Rylaehotep and be healed. I think Grandpa takes it wherever he goes because he’s guarding it. We are celebrating Grandpa but I’m not sure if he is a good man for keeping God’s stuff away from him for so long. I was so close before I should have just taken it and ran but I didn’t know how important it was. But I could feel the power when I held it. I forgot to ask Henka what’s gonna happen once it’s returned and if I will keep seeing Mr. Slim. I’ll ask him at the next book club.
*deadhead
found
six years pass.
september 16 2003
September 16 2003
Well hello there, Journal. It’s Milo and today I’ve found you! What a neat birthday present! I just turned 15 today. I almost forgot you even existed. I remember that nice doctor giving me a journal waaay back and the last time I recalled having it was sometime before the boat accident. Everything else in between is a blur, but I do remember looking everywhere trying to find you and giving up because I thought you were lost forever. I only found you because of this dream I had where a shadow version of myself led me into Mom’s room and opened her safe. It showed me the combo. When she went out to get groceries today I opened the safe and found you inside! So now I’m reading all of these entries I wrote from 6 years ago and I’m shocked because don’t remember most of it. And it’s all really creepy. I’ve never sleepwalked, I don’t know of a freaky book club, and I’ve never seen any weird big man. I’m pretty sure I made that stuff up when I was a mental kid and I just don’t remember because of the drugs I’ve been taking, but I’m noticing some familiar dreams and odd similarities. Mom does go out every Friday for PTA meetings, I have this unexplainable feeling that I’m being watched all the time, and sometimes I have these recurring dreams of shadow people that look like people I know.
september 16 2003
My therapist says that they’re negative emotions manifesting themselves as beings, but there have been times that they show me things I couldn’t have known and I wonder if they’re some kind of premonitions. I mean, how was I able to open a locked safe I never even knew the combination to? Weird! There’s some pretty weird stuff in here about Mom too. I don’t remember her having all these affairs. Mom told me that I was diagnosed with a form of childhood schizophrenia when I was younger where I had these crazy fantasies and visions of situations that never happened and people who weren’t really there. They gave me some special medication that fixed my brain but, they say I have to keep taking it or else my mental condition will just get worse. I’ve been mostly fine for years but sometimes I have these blackout episodes where I don’t remember the day. I’ve been taking supplements for those memory issues and I’m doing fine. Even though a lot of my memory of that time just went away, I remember having a happy childhood. Maybe I suppressed all the visions? Maybe the affairs too? What else have I repressed? What I’m really wondering is why Mom kept it locked away. Maybe she thought confronting my old delusions would be traumatic for me. I sure had crazy imagination. I’m not even sure why I’m writing in here now. I guess it feels good to write down my thoughts. Maybe I’ll keep writing. It’s nice too meet you again but for now, back in the safe with you. Mom can’t know.
scar
september 19 2003
September 19 2003
I might as well update you on my life. I’m 15 now and I just started high school. I still have Oscar and I’m still friends with Kevin. We’ve been friends through middle school but he’s one of my only friends. I’m still not too good at making friends. I tend to stay inside and read or play video games. I’ve been mentally stable since I had a psychotic break from not taking my medication and spent a week in an institution a few years ago. Mom works as a receptionist at the bank, is treasurer of the school’s PTA, and has started dating a man named John Fletcher for a few months now. He used to be a repair man but now he works for some law firm. I went to the flea market with Kevin and found a black diary with a lock on it that looks exactly the same as mine except the lock is a bit squarer. I don’t think Mom will notice if I replace my journal with it. There’s this hidden panel in my closet that I keep secret stuff that Mom doesn’t know about so that’s where I’m storing you. I really could have just started writing in that new journal but I think I was meant to find you and that I should continue writing in here. I feel a weird connection to this journal. It feels like it’s a part of me.
october 3 2003
October 3 2003
My Mom has always been different than other moms. She’s very paranoid and secretive about everyday things. She said she’s been this way ever since Dad died. There’s things that she still doesn’t want to talk about, like the scar on her right palm that looks like an eye or something. It kinda looks too perfect to be a wound. Today my stepdad brought it up at dinner and she went silent for the rest of the meal. Maybe she got it during our house fire and she cut it to make it look nicer, like covering up a bad tattoo with a cooler one? Do they even do that with scars? Anyway, she refuses to tell how it happened, she gets all teary eyed. One time she said it was some painful memory. I’m starting to think she lost it and cut herself after Robert died since she blames herself for his death. Sometimes I feel so bad for her, like she’s one freak out away from just breaking and I wonder why she isn’t taking anything like me. I love her but she’s so very stubborn, and just as guarded. I still don’t really know what she does at the PTA meetings every Friday. She always says they work on school projects, but I never hear anything more about them. Speaking of meds, she also refuses to take any pill ever. Whenever she gets sick or the flu, she just rides it out. Sometimes she stares out the window for hours. She’s just very suspicious about everything. It's sad.
capsize
november 8 2003
November 8 2003*
I slept in last night and had a vivid dream, but it was of a memory. For the longest time I had no memory of the boat incident other than fractured pieces, but last night it was like it all played back for me. We got on the private charter at noon and there was around 20 people. It was Mom and I, the Hendersons, the Maxwells, the Adlers, and a few others. We sailed around the harbor for a few hours and everything was fine until there was some screaming and a huge explosion that flipped the yacht on its side. I was inside playing with Will and Elizabeth and we were able to climb out before water filled up the cabin. We swam to shore to see that the boat had capsized and was smoking. The Adler Grandparents floated over on a life raft and Fred had to carry Steph because she couldn’t swim well. Aunt Jo was freaking out because Sam and Tommy were missing and Noah’s parents were calling out for Noah who was also missing along with both Grandpa Karl and Grandma Sonia. First, Sam emerged from the water with Tommy who wasn’t breathing. Someone came over and tried to give him CPR but it was too late and he died. They found Karl down the shore hanging on to Sonia’s life vest and a book. Everyone else was accounted for except Noah, Sonia, and the captain. She had drowned and washed up later that day. They had a search party that went late into the night. They found Noah washed up way down the shoreline that morning.
november 8 2003 - december 20 2003
When they found him I went over to him on the stretcher and he told me this strange thing**, “The truth lies within. The river's flow is where it begins. When the dawn breaks the soul awakens.” Everyone else made it out alright, but the captain’s body was never found. My mom accused Karl of saving his book instead of his wife and she kept yelling at him demanding that he tell her why he had her unfastened life vest. I just realized that I missed taking my pills last night.
December 20 2003
We don’t do that big family reunion party in New York anymore. After Cousin Tommy and Grandma Sonia died we only had one and it was mourning after their funerals. The whole family drifted apart after that. I never really knew my Grandma Sonia much, but I miss Tommy a lot. This time we flew to Florida because my stepdad has business here so we got to visit Noah. He’s 12 now and is fun to hang out with every few years. Noah’s old house also burnt down like mine*** because of an electrical fire in 1998 and this is my third time hanging at his new house. He showed me around his neighborhood, we visited this boardwalk that they started building into a mangrove forest, and we went to some really nice beaches. Our
december 20 2003 - december 30 2003
moms still don’t like each other much because of disagreements about Grandpa Karl. My Mom says that he let their mom drown over a book but Noah’s mom says that he tried to save her but she slipped from her life vest and he lives with the guilt every day. My Mom always goes on about how her dad disowned her for no good reason in her youth and says he’s been senile ever since, only speaking German and shutting out the rest of the family. Sharon says that my Mom was the one who distanced herself because of her paranoia and it’s an argument that is never won between them. Uncle Alex always has to step in to stop it. Also, I saw someone outside of the window while we were playing N64. I thought it was Alex, but he was in the kitchen. I saw him a few times. A shadow cast on the blinds, a bit of black peeking out from behind a window, standing off in the distance outside late at night. I thought that Noah just had creepy neighbors. It didn’t really bother me until I came home and realized that I hadn’t been taking my medication. I was so excited that I totally forgot to bring them.
December 30 2003
It’s almost new years and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. Looking back on this year, I’m starting to realize that I remember more when I don’t take my medication, just like I wrote about
december 30 2003
happening years ago. Other than the vitamin supplements, I take a blue oval tablet twice a day, a red round tablet once in the morning, and a black and white capsule once in the morning and once before bed at night. I don’t even know what they are called now that I think about it. I know one is for anxiety and stress, the other is to keep my schizophrenia at bay, and the capsule is some kind of antidepressant I’ve been taking for as long as I can remember since I was very small. I’ve never really felt the need to question what meds I take since they’ve been helping to keep me stable for so long, but when I don’t take them it starts to feel like I’ve only really felt this way about it because they’ve been blinding my brain somehow. So, if by chance what I wrote in this journal when I was younger holds water, I want to know who the hell this Henka person is, why he sold my drugs to my Mom, why we were even ever involved in occult shit to begin with, what exactly they had planned on doing with me behind closed doors, and why the fuck Mom has been hiding all of this shit from me for all these years.
*all i can remember was the explosion throwing me off the boat, not being able to swim, blacking out, and then waking up in the hospital with minor injuries.
**i had never known that i had said the truth lies within quote to milo until i read this entry. in fact, i had never even heard of it until i first found it written on a note card inside that box left at my door back in 2010. when firebrand mentioned it being meaningful in this video, i think he was hinting that he had a role in the boat incident. i'm pretty damn sure that the body of water shown behind his text was the harbor that we sailed out of. maybe he saved me.
***this was no coincidence. the truth from later entries is horrifying.
i remember this visit because milo kept asking me why my neighbors were so nosy. he said that they kept peeking in at us while we played but i never saw anyone. this is when i first learned of milo's mental issues from my mom. but now after reading his journal, i don't think he ever truly had any.
dishonest
january 5 2004
January 5 2004
I had a dream about Dad. He was pushing me on a swing at the park and I fell and scraped my knee. Then we got ice cream and he told me he had money in the bank saved up for my college fund. I woke up on the floor. Whenever I dream about Dad, I’m never sure if I’m making up a dream or recalling an early memory because I was too young to remember him. Mom lets me know if she remembers the events happening but she said that she doesn’t remember me scraping my knee and said Dad never got around to setting up that fund because of the fire. Then again, I don’t remember seeing her in the dream so who knows if it actually happened. Not to mention, a lot of things that Mom says don’t add up. I once had this vivid dream that we all went to Disney World for a week but Mom insists we’ve never went. We even used to have a Mickey Mouse glass I remember us buying in the cupboard but Mom said it was a gift from a friend. She broke it a few years ago. When she says goodnight, she doesn’t go to sleep right away. Many times I overhear her talk to this person late into the night. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, so I don’t think it’s John. I had written about it too. Sometimes she even talks in a different language, sometimes I hear her writing down stuff,
january 5 2004 - january 30 2004
other times I hear her mentioning me, people in our family, and strange things that I’ve found in my old entries like sessions and birthrights. I’m pretty sure I actually heard her say Mr. Slim once. I always figured she was talking to someone from her PTA meetings. Tonight I put my ear to her door and heard her say, “Danke Henka”. I used to think it was just a German greeting, but now I know that Henka is the name of the skull man from my childhood visions. That’s not a common name I don’t think. Is he real? Who is this person? I can’t ask Mom because she can’t know that I have you and I can’t just say my memory suddenly returned because I’ve been thinking… what if these pills are meant to block my memories? What if it’s not just a side effect? If I start mentioning random stuff from years ago, would she suspect I’m not taking my meds? I’m really anxious now because what if there’s more to those delusions I had as a little kid? Maybe I’m just overthinking junk, but I really hope she isn’t cheating on John with someone else. John is a good stepdad and I love him.
January 30 2004
Something really weird happened today. Mom went to her weekly PTA meeting and came home just like she usually does, but during dinner someone called late. John picked up and said it was for Mom. She ran
january 30 2004
with the phone to the kitchen and we heard her say, “Eating dinner, why? Emergency? What’s the emergency? Emergency meeting? Ok ok, alright. I’ll be there.” She said she there was an urgent budgetary issue that couldn’t wait until next Friday and she rushed out without finishing dinner. John mumbled something about how Mom cares more about the welfare of the PTA than the family sometimes. As the PTA’s treasurer she said she works hard with money, keeping records and preparing reports. What was really weird about it is that last week I was talking to Kevin and the PTA came up in conversation. He said his mom is a part of it too. I asked what he did on Fridays when his mom is out but he said she never goes out to any meetings on Friday. He says they meet Tuesdays and Thursdays. I figured this was because his mom didn’t have an important role like treasurer, but something about Mom leaving suddenly at night felt extra weird, especially after seeing what my younger self wrote about. She came back at midnight and said that she fixed the error and that everything was sorted out. I really want to believe that but the more I’m off my meds, the more I feel that Mom is being dishonest. I still love her but I want to know the truth. Also, I just woke up in the bathtub before writing this. I think I’m starting to sleepwalk. This is the third time I’ve woken up in a random place. I’ve been hearing noises outside my window more too. It’s still difficult to tell what is real sometimes.
infect
april 30 2004
April 30 2004
It has been 4 months since I stopped taking my meds and I feel completely different, like my mind is sharper and the thought fog has lifted. I feel bad that Mom still wastes money on them, but I can’t risk saying anything that would send me back to a psychiatric hospital. I’d honestly pay my allowance to stay off of the shit. I had a confusing nightmare last night. The shadow person with the dot eyes who looks like an older Noah was playing chess with me in my room. There was a loud banging at the door and I knew that there was something evil on the other side. “Open the fucking door!” this monstrous voice boomed. He looked at me as if to say, “What are you going to do?” and I shook my head in fear. He then took my journal, put it up against the door, and drew a symbol in it, the same eye symbol that Mom has on her hand that I’ve seen so much in my dreams. As he drew I heard these words in my head, “PRAESIDIUM ADVERSUS EGOTISTICUS”. The knocking stopped. He handed me the journal and said “You have to mean it” and the next thing I knew, I was in my room but it was completely bare empty. I couldn’t see anything and someone was chasing me in the darkness. I ran into shadow Noah again. He had a briefcase. Suddenly, from behind him appeared who had been chasing me. There he was. The big man. From what I could make out he was exactly like I had described, an unnaturally tall man wearing a business suit with a blank face. Shadow Noah smirked at him, holding up a book that I knew belonged to Karl. I felt the tension in the room build at this like it was some kind of snide power move. Noah looked back at me and pointed
april 30 2004
to the front door, which opened. Someone was standing there but I woke up before I could make them out. I blinked and I was awake, standing at my window. In my delirium I saw someone behind the big tree in the neighbor’s front yard. There was a flash of light and they ran down the road. I’m not sure if that was a dream too, because when I blinked again it was morning and I was back in bed. I’ve never had such vivid dreams before, and I’m pretty sure a bunch of them are memories straight out of the old entries. I’ve been rereading and reevaluating everything I wrote down over 7 years ago with new eyes. I don’t know if I’m going off the deep end or if all of this scary stuff actually happened.
may 24 2004
May 24 2004
At school today I looked up those words from my dream on the library computer and they mean “protection against selfish” in Latin. I was reminded of those odd words that the Ouija board had spelled out years ago, so I tried looking them up too. Ephemeris means diary, Occultatum means hidden, Esuriens means hungry, and Undique means everywhere. So, a diary was talking to Kevin and I saying that my Dad was hidden and the big man was hungry and everywhere. Was it you who was talking to us, Journal? What did you mean by hidden? Because hidden doesn’t mean dead. I had to know if Kevin remembered anything. At lunch I asked him if he remembers back in elementary school when we played with a Ouija board together. He says he doesn’t remember that. He remembers the Dr. Seuss assignment we worked on and me breaking a glass, but now he tells me that he’s never owned a Ouija board. My memories of that time are coming back now and I’m certain what happened was not a dream or a hallucination. I don’t think he’s lying to me and I don’t think he remembers anything either, but it freaks me out how much Kevin has changed since that night. He used to be real bubbly and friendly but he got quieter and distant going into middle school. We hung out less and less and when we did we played less and now it’s a miracle if we ever get to hang out. It feels like my best friend morphed into a different person overnight. I can’t be completely upset because his grades really started improving. I’m really proud of him because he used to be so sad that he couldn’t get any A’s… and now he’s getting higher grades than I am.
may 24 2004
He says he got meds to fix his ADHD and his mom got him a tutor in middle school that really clicked with him. While I’m happy for him, I can’t shake the feeling now that I’m responsible for the change. Maybe I really did infect him with something by just being close friends. But how can something that’s supposed to only be in my head infect someone else’s life? Between Mom’s lies, memories connecting to my past writings, and all this paranormal shit, I’m starting to believe in the impossible. Who knows, maybe Dad is actually out there somewhere. If I live in a world where a supernatural being in a business suit can exist, a book can communicate to me through a spirit board, and they can make a second Shrek movie, then I’m damn well allowed to believe that there’s a chance that my Dad can still be alive.
capsule
june 14 2004
June 14 2004
I saw my psychiatrist today for my biannual checkup. We had a very different session than usual this time around. She noticed that I was acting unusual and asked what had changed. Because my therapy admissions are private between only us, I felt comfortable spilling the beans. I said that I had been off my medication for almost half a year. I told her that I feel much better now, like my head is clear and my memory is improving. She said that was interesting and asked if there had been any downsides. I said that my dreams have gotten more nightmarish and frightening, I’ve started to sleepwalk, and I think I’m starting to see this strange man out of the corner of my eye. She said that while she’s happy I feel that I’ve made a positive improvement, my symptoms are worrying and going cold turkey is dangerous for my mental and physical health in the long run. She said I was doing so well last visit and made so much progress going through the trouble of finding the right cocktail of drugs that worked for me that I should reevaluate my decision to stop taking them. She said for me to take a step back and make a personal judgement if staying off these meds in exchange for mental clarity is worth the risk of having another dangerous schizophrenic relapse, or if taking them again to achieve that previous stable state of mental health we had worked years to achieve is worth bearing the negative side effects of those drugs.
june 14 2004
She told me she will send out refills for my meds, recommending that I should go back on them immediately if any psychotic events begin to occur. I asked more about the meds. She said the blue one calms my anxiety and the red one is an antipsychotic. But when I asked what about the capsule, she said that she’s only ever prescribed me those two. I caught myself and said I meant the vitamin supplements. Internally, I was freaking the hell out. What the FUCK are those black and white capsules I’ve been taking for most of my life? They must have come from that Henka guy. I had written that he sold Mom my capsules back then, so they must be them because back then I had only been taking that black and white one for years. I felt super conflicted leaving Dr. Garner’s office. She was right. I was pretty stable on those drugs and doing fairly well on the surface before I found this journal. I honestly felt decently happy. But looking back on it now that I can think straight, the truth is that those meds kept the real me bound and gagged inside my head while my life just passed by without me, like I was stuck on autopilot. Now that I got that neurological muzzle off my cognizance I don’t ever want to go back to that state of being, even if it means risking going back to that institute. I don’t want simulated happiness because being in control of my consciousness and being able to see
june 14 2004
the real truth is what gives me real comfort. I can see so clearly now. I really think these visions of beings are not only real, but are guiding me with purpose and those chemicals I’m expected to swallow just make me blind deaf and dumb to perceiving them. But… what if this is the plan? To turn me into a complacent zombie, erase my memory, and keep me from asking questions… all because I somehow have some bizarre paranormal curse that they apparently have a stake in due to some magic journal that my recluse Grandpa has? It sounds so goddamn crazy… but there are too many red flags surrounding me and they’re all pointing to the same place. All these thoughts lead me back to Mom and her growing list secrets that I’ve learned, thanks to the existence of these pages. I’ve got this sickening feeling that I’m being puppeteered by a third party for some nefarious purpose and that Mom is in on it and has been in on it for years, considering the fact that she somehow still brings home those damn capsules. It all makes me so very overwhelmed and I feel so fucking sick. Who do I trust? Who can I trust? I’m alone in this world.
slipped
july 9 2004
July 9 2004
I made the decision today to go back into Mom’s safe to see what else she’s been hiding from me. I need to know what she’s really been doing because getting stuck in these thought loops has driven me to take the anxiety tablet, which actually seems to work and calms me down. When I replaced you in the safe with the decoy, I saw several folders of documents inside as well. After camp when Mom went to her “PTA meeting”, I picked the lock to her room again and tried to open the safe. But the combination didn’t work. I know I’m entering it right because I wrote the numbers down in case I forgot. I think she changed it, which freaks me out. It’s been nearly a year, but why would she change her safe combo? I have a feeling that she knows I’ve been snooping in it. Now I guess I’ll have to wait for my shadow self to show me the code again. Either way, I can’t look at Mom the same way after going to the doctor. At dinner we got into an argument about money being tight. I suggested that I should stop taking my pills because they’re expensive and I’m doing a lot better now so I feel that I can get off of them and save us cash. Mom was insistent that I keep taking them and threatened that if I don’t she’ll send me back to the psych ward because she won’t risk another psychotic break. John didn’t know what had happened so she told him
july 9 2004
to prove her point. A few years back in 2001, I hadn’t taken my meds for a week or two and one night I woke up from a fugue state pressing a knife up to Mom’s throat. She freaked and sent me to the mental hospital. They said this happened because I was off my meds, so they upped my dose. This all made John really uneasy and he said I should probably keep taking them, just in case. I was so angry but I said sure thing just to keep the argument from escalating and we kept eating. But I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I was so caught up in my frustrated thoughts that my tongue slipped. Mom asked John how work was today, then she asked me how camp was, and after I asked Mom how book club went. I wasn’t thinking and it just came out, like it was something I had used to ask her routinely when I was younger. I corrected myself saying I meant PTA meeting, but it was too late. Mom hid it well, but I could see something in her expression change. She said that the meeting went well, but then barely spoke for the rest of the meal. I’m terrified now that she knows I’m on to her. She’s neurotic as hell, but she isn’t dumb. I just know she knows that I’m awake now. I have to play it extra safe around her now that she probably figures that I’m aware of the heaps of lies she’s built
july 9 2004
our family on for years. She either knows that I haven’t been taking those capsules, that I’ve been peeping in her safe, that I have this journal back, or all three. And who knows what other damning shit she thinks I know since I had access to those records. I should have fucking read them when I had the chance. What if they have information about Dad? What if Mom had lied abo
library
two years pass.
september 15 2006
September 15 2006
I’m having a lot of trouble processing this journal. This shouldn’t exist, and yet… here it is. This is a real object and I’m writing in it. I was at work, I’ve been working at the library for over a year now, and I was putting away books from the book drop at the end of the day… and there was this black book at the bottom of the return pile that caught my eye. It had no markings but had a lock on it. I was positive I had never seen it before in my life but… I was overcome with this intense mix of emotions when I held it, like a hidden door in the library of my mind had suddenly appeared and someone was knocking from the other side. And I’ve felt this knocking before too, but in that moment it was the loudest it’s ever been. It felt so oddly familiar, like recognizing someone random on the street that you somehow know you have a deep personal connection with. With trembling hands I stashed it in my backpack and biked home as fast as I could, my heart racing. Mom was still out at her Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and my stepdad was asleep on the couch. I ran into my room and froze as this intense feeling of deja vu smacked me in the face. I heard an inner voice coming from behind that door in my mind. Whispers. It told me to look in my closet for something. Something hidden. I searched around for a good half hour and found a removable panel in the wall. There was a box inside the wall filled with various things, some more familiar to me than others.
september 15 2006
These were my old toys, this was my secret hiding place. The door in my mind was banging louder and louder. And then I saw it. Inside a small plastic bag, there was a key tied to a band made of the same material as the book. I knew instantly that this is what I was looking for. I unlocked the book and as soon as I saw the inscription that said it belonged to me, the door in my mind flew open and out poured a torrent of memories that flooded my head like a dam had burst. Behind that door was a whole other library containing a forgotten life that I never even knew I had lived. This was MY journal, and I had chronicled my life in it for many years. I’ve been staying up all night frantically devouring page after page, entry after entry and this missing history of my life is revealing itself before my eyes. As I’m writing this now, my head is spinning and I’m still drowning in this surge of memory, but it’s the horror of what I’m reading that’s suffocating me. A group of supernatural shadow people, a business monster, a secret organization of wizard cultists, a magic journal at Grandpa’s, a mystery medication I’m still taking, a mountain of lies from my Mom… in an instant my life has turned upside down… this is all far too much to take in. It’s now 6 AM and it’s my 18th birthday, but it feels like I’ve been reborn into hell. Luckily, this is just one of my terrible vivid nightmares and I’m going to wake up in the real world soon and laugh and laugh at such a ridiculous dream.
puppet
september 17 2006
September 17 2006
I slept through my birthday. I was out for a good 13 hours. I woke up at 7 PM on the 16th with a massive headache, starving. Mom had left a sticky note on my door. She and John had gone out for drinks and there was cake in the fridge. There was cake in the fridge alright, one slice of cake in a big empty container with another note. “We got hungry and didn’t want to wake you. Happy birthday! – love, Mom & Dad”. I ate the cake. Stale and hard. Then I remembered this journal. During my long sleep, it felt like my mind had reassembled itself. I can remember everything. I realized that I can remember all of those lost memories, and I wept. And I threw up. I was asleep for two years. Then it hit me. I had completely missed my medication yesterday. I heated up some ramen and reread every entry of my horrifying past. When I reached the abrupt end of the last entry from 2004, the rest of what happened continued playing in my mind’s eye as I had remembered it, so now I’m going to write what went down in case I forget again. As I was writing in the middle of the night, Mom suddenly knocked on my door asking to come in saying it was very important. I said hold on just a moment I’m not feeling well. I knew that the jig was up, this was it for me. I knew this story. I was the little pig and she was the big bad wolf coming to eat me. She started banging now. “Open the fucking door!” she screamed. It was then that I remembered my shadow Noah dream and I instantly knew that it was a prophecy of that very moment. I knew
september 17 2006
what I had to do. I put the journal against the door, drew the symbol, and said, “praesidium adversus egotisticus”. Then, I locked the journal, hid it behind the dresser, and swallowed the key. As I gulped she broke open the door and stormed up to me without saying a word, the shiny look in her eyes gives me chills just thinking about. She put a foul smelling cloth over my face and stuck something sharp in my neck. Everything after that was a blur. The next time I remember being conscious was on the camp bus with Kevin. At the time, I didn’t know what had happened but it felt like I had woken up from a long nap. I asked him how long I was asleep for and he said that I hadn’t been asleep, but I was out with the flu for a week. I had no memories of my journal, what Mom had done, or anything else I had discovered. All I could grasp was this general but certain feeling of having a happy childhood… just like how I felt before I found the journal back in 2003. It’s like my mind was wiped clean… again. At least now I know why I shat out a key one day. Those damn capsules made me forget about my safe spot over the years, among everything else. Now I know it was me who was banging on the door in my mental library. For two years, I was trapped in there. Now that I’m free and my mind is complete again, I’m never going to let them take my memory ever again. I would rather die than be someone’s fucking puppet.
flu
october 20 2006
October 20 2006
I’m forced to live a lie and act like a zombie to be safe, but I guess that’s my life now. I was trapped for years inside my head, but I had awareness. I’m able to recall how I acted day to day so I can mimic drugged me to a T. I’ve gotten used to the routine and done my best to act as I did before my awakening. I’ve since graduated from high school and I’ve gotten a job at the local library to save up for college. Once I get enough cash to move out, I’m going to try to go into filmmaking. I’ve also gotten my own cell phone now. I don’t use it much, other than talking to Noah and Kevin sometimes. I think Mom only got it for me because the family plan is cheapest. I’ve been unsure about what to do now, given my current situation. I’ve considered running away, but after some thinking I’ve decided to maintain this facade for as long as I can until I can get some solid dirt on Mom to bust her. I can’t let her get away with what she’s done and what she’s still fucking doing. She still gives me the black and white capsules to take, but I’ve gotten really good at palming them. Sometimes I have to swallow them because she has her eye on me. I’ve noticed she asks me a question right after so she can hear me talk and make sure I’m not hiding it under my tongue. I dissolved one in vinegar since I learned back in Bio Lab that it has a similar pH as stomach acid, and it takes around 15 mins to dissolve so I know how much time I have to vomit. I’ve lost some weight due to this, but late
october 20 2006 - october 31 2006
night ramen helps. I’ve been collecting the caps in my hiding spot as evidence for when the right time comes. It’s been over month now since I’ve taken one and I no longer feel hazy. The only noticeable difference is this cough I get when I don’t take it. I’m recalling now that it has always followed going cold turkey from that capsule. OTC cough meds and throat lozenges are like candy to me now. I still take the blue pill, which I’ve identified as a benzo, because it actually help to quell my anxiety, but not the red one because they make me too drowsy and I’m pretty damn sure that I don’t have schizophrenia. I’m almost certain now that the beings I can see are real and any psychotic behavior I’ve ever had has been a direct result of them, not a neurological imbalance. I’ve not taken that tablet for long periods of time in the past without any psychotic episodes and I don’t think an antipsychotic chemical can stop their influence. I’m still hearing voices, but now I know they’re real. I can’t explain any of it concretely, but the entries and what I’m able to remember is honestly all the evidence I need to prove it to myself.
October 31 2006
What a fitting day for such a horrifying memory to return. I remember what happened after Mom came into my room that night and knocked me out. It all came to me in pieces after seeing John take out the trash today. I recall waking up in my
october 31 2006
bed that night nearly paralyzed with Mom looming over me like a vulture on prey. I kept thinking that my spell didn’t work and it was all over. The most movement I could muster as she forced me to swallow a capsule was blinking and moving my head a bit. “Who is Mr. Scars?” she was shouting at me over and over. I tried to say, “I don’t know,” but it just came out as gibberish. She said I was grounded and that I wasn’t going to see Noah that year if I don’t tell her.* She also told me that if I tell John anything to jeopardize their relationship she’ll ship me off to the institute. She was on the phone a lot, pacing around the house. I remember John coming home from work and feeding me soup the next day saying, “You’re gonna get over this flu in no time, pal.” Mom made the poor bastard clean up after me. I remember her looking all over my room multiple times. She changed her tone, “Honey, where’s your journal?” I didn’t respond. I stared right past her. I figured, since she made me a vegetable then that’s exactly what I’ll be. Then, on the third day, she found it behind the dresser. I felt so helpless and cloudy seeing her hold what is essentially my only connection to my past memories, first hand evidence of her crimes, and all the truth I had come to discover. She held my mind in her hands. But, she couldn’t open it without the key. “Where’s the key, Honey?” When I ignored her again, she went to get these big wire cutters that John had from his repair man days. Just when she was about to
october 31 2006
clamp down, she stopped and broke down sobbing. She threw the journal across the room and shouted, “Shut up!” I managed to say my first words. “Mom…” She looked at me with those red, shiny eyes. “…please don’t erase me.” She came over and hugged me, crying into my shoulder. I cried too. I distinctly remember her saying, “I’m so sorry baby, this is the only way to stop this.” Then she got a call on her cell phone. She spoke German to someone briefly. When she hung up, she stared at me for a good minute or two. I could tell she was conflicted, unsure what to do next. There was a noise outside that broke her from her pensive trance. She snatched up the journal and rushed out of the room. I heard a rustling of plastic before she ran out the door shouting, “Wait! Wait!” I was able to turn my head to my window in time to see the garbage truck turn the street corner. I was overcome with profound sadness and I cried, but at the time I wasn’t sure why I was crying. The caps were doing their job. I remember asking when she came back to my room, “What’s my temperature?” as I figured that I had the flu. Each day after I was given those caps, my sense of self became fuzzier and weaker. I think I was in bed for a week before regaining my motor skills and going back to camp. I didn’t pop back into streamline consciousness until I was on the bus with Kevin. I felt deeply confused because I still felt all that sadness and anger inside me… but I didn’t know why.
october 31 2006
The next day, I was having bad stomach pains and had to run to the bathroom during 4th period. I had bloody diarrhea and felt something solid snake its way out my ass. I thought it was a tapeworm, so I yanked it out. There was something metallic and sharp on the end covered in shit so I went to the sink to clean it off. I realized it wasn’t a tapeworm at all, but a little key on a string. I put it in a little baggy that I got from lunch because I couldn’t get the damn smell out. When I got home, I was struck with that same sensation I had felt when I found the journal. Something came over me and I went into my closet, opened my hiding spot, put the key in my box of secret treasures, and closed it all up. As soon as I left the closet, I had completely forgot what I had just done and was left again very confused. All I could make out inside me was this vague sense of deja vu. I’m unsure if shadow Noah’s incantation was successful or not, but somehow… after all this time you found your way back to me. How did you do it, journal? Who helped you? I swore I just heard a whisper. I heard “cousin”.
*milo didn’t visit me in 2004 or 2005. mary told my mom that he was “busy with work”. we still spoke on the phone every so often and had general conversations about games and stuff. sometimes we would make up stories together, but he barely ever went into his personal life other than saying he was doing well.
campfire
november 12 2006
We’re visiting Noah for his 15th birthday now. We drove down this time because flights were too expensive. I haven’t seen him since 2003, and he’s grown a lot. He’s starting high school now and has a different haircut, but he’s still the same great friend. Even though it was his birthday, he gave me some toys for Oscar and a $50 gift card to Best Buy. He said it’s been a long time since we’ve hung out and these gifts were to make up for my missed birthdays. I feel bad because we also got him a Best Buy gift card, but only a $20 one. He said it doesn’t matter though, since the real gift was having me there in person again. I’m still looking at potential colleges, but I think I’d like to apply to some in Florida near Noah so we can hang out more often. I don’t know if it’s his kindness or the fact that his shadow doppelganger has been helping me, but I feel safest and happiest in his company. There was little to no fighting this visit because John came along with us this time and he and Alex are maintaining the peace between our moms. I’m so happy to have John here to balance them out. For Noah’s party we went bowling, had cake, and saw Casino Royale. After the movie, we came back to Noah’s house and roasted marshmallows on the seawall dock in the vacant lot next door. There were five other kids around the campfire and they all were friendly, except for this one guy Tyler. I remember hanging with him from previous visits and he always came off as an obnoxious dick who wanted to be the center of attention. He kept making jokes that weren’t funny and getting up in people’s space for a laugh. Everything was going fine until he suggested we tell ghost stories. When it
november 12 2006
was my turn, I felt like I might as well draw from real life experience for an extra spooky story. I told them the tale of Mr. Slim, the faceless man who stalks children while they sleep.* It was hard to properly convey the fear he instills without embellishing a bit, so I added that if you don’t wake up in time to catch him he will devour your soul. I told them he’s been after me since I was young and I’ve been able to survive because I know exactly when he comes at night. Telling the tale reminded me of group therapy at that mental institute when we would take turns sharing stories of what we saw in our visions. It felt really nice to just be open with it. I saw something across the canal and stopped mid-sentence. It was him. I’m certain of it because I felt his gaze. That familiar, awful feeling of impending doom came over me and I froze. It was then that Tyler grabbed me from behind and screamed in my ear. I freaked out and darted around the seawall in a panic, nearly falling in the water as he chased me laughing like a hyena. I ran back inside, locked myself in the bathroom, and cried. I heard them all laughing outside and it felt like school all over again. I stayed there until everyone left and Noah came in to apologize to me for Tyler. He said he’s not inviting him to his next birthday and cheered me up with some leftover cake and video games. As I said goodbye to Noah today, I became very anxious. Considering that this entity seems to be interested in my family and friends, I worry that I might infect him like Kevin. But if shadow Noah is real, what if he’s already infected? On the way home, I saw the faceless suited man. I took out my phone
november 12 2006
to snap a picture, but realized that it was just a mannequin in a storefront. I also noticed that there are some pictures on my phone that I don’t remember taking. One is us eating at Arby’s and another is the hallway of the hotel that we stayed at on the drive down. Either slight memory loss is a lingering side effect of withdrawal from those caps, or a symptom of seeing that being. I’m pretty sure now that my memory lapses correlate with his presence, like taking a strong magnet to a VCR… except it’s my brain. I’m unsure if the mystery drug compounded my memory loss, but to its credit it seems to have negated the being’s effects on me. Nothing paranormal ever happened to me when I was on autopilot, taking it twice daily. Maybe… they were trying to help me? But regardless, it’s at the cost of my soul. Whether their covert endeavors are somehow worth it for my benefit as a sovereign human being is just another scary campfire story.
*i vaguely remember milo’s campfire story, i was honestly zoned out. i remember him saying something about a creepy man who watches him sleep before tyler pulled that stunt. thing is, what i do remember most was feeling that same nebulous feeling of impending doom for a brief moment as milo ran. i thought nothing of it at the time. now i know that i could feel the administrator's presence back then too. our family is cursed, and has been for some time.
tendrils
december 15 2006
December 15 2006
Just woke up in the middle of the night from one of those dreams, the ones that feel very real. I was at this dark pathway surrounded by thick trees. I think it was that boardwalk that they were building by Noah’s place, but in the dream it was finished. I saw Noah down the path holding a camera running towards me. As he ran past me, I felt Mr. Slim’s presence immediately. Then I turned my head right and realized he was right next to me with those black tendrils protruding from his body. When I looked up, his head turned to me. The tendrils began to wrap around me and I couldn’t move or breathe. I woke up choking for air. Oscar is doing this thing again where he’s standing as still as a statue on my desk and staring out the window. He only does this some nights, but I’m noticing a trend that more often than not seems to coincide with these dreams. And this man. There’s someone in a hoodie walking way down my street now. It’s 4 AM. This is the 7th time I’ve seen them. I think they’re taking pictures. It’s too dark to maOkay so as I was writing just now there was a piercing scream. It’s from Mom’s room. It’s John and he’s yelling now, “What the fuck, Mary? What the fuck are you doing this time?” and I hear Mom crying. A glass just broke, John cursing. I can’t make out
december 15 2006
what she’s saying in between sobs but John just said, “For the last time, I have no idea who this fucking guy is! Have you lost your goddamn mind?” John says she’s gotta see a head doctor because something’s not right upstairs. He said that Mom’s gotta get on some psycho meds and she cried NO! This is not the first time I’ve woken up to them arguing, but this is the first time I was awake to hear it start. This time is particularly bad. I’m not going out to investigate, but there’s no way I’m going back to sleep now. It’s been an hour and things have quieted down. I took a peek outside to see John on the couch watching TV. I know he’s going to be cranky today because he’s missed out on sleep again. Not looking forward to that. The glass breaking reminds me of that night with Kevin and the spirit board. After everything that’s been going down, I’m considering trying it again. Maybe the spirits have something to say. I don’t think they lie.
camping
february 23 2007
February 23 2007
I’m running in a deep dark forest. There are towering trees surrounding me, taller than I’ve ever seen before. Something is definitely chasing me but I don’t dare turn around to see what it is. I hide behind a thick tree and catch my breath. I carve the eye symbol into the trunk with a spoon. Someone says my name behind me. I turn around to find a clearing. In the center illuminated by moonlight is a safe. It doesn’t look like Mom’s safe, it’s different. It has a knob, a keyhole, and buttons. Out of the shadows comes a man. It’s the dark version of me. He reaches his closed hand out to me, I reach mine. He drops something into my hand. It’s a key. It has a black plastic handle. I look up to the dark me, but I can’t speak. He lift’s his head up to look at the moon. Blood pours from a gash in his neck. I try to speak again and feel warmth run down my chest. Before I can touch my neck, I wake. The powers that be really want me to get into Mom’s safe. When she left for her secret meeting, I searched around the house. The alternate me wants me to find this key. I looked in all the spots I remember seeing keys, but all of them are full metal and none have that plastic top. I found one that was at least shaped similarly in the kitchen that I swore was for an old car, but I went into Mom’s room to try it on the safe. But there was no safe, only an imprint on the floor where a safe used to sit. I looked all over her room, all over the house, but there was nothing. I’m not sure what to make of the dream yet, but there’s
february 23 2007 - june 22 2007
gotta be something very important in there they want me to get my hands on. In better news, Noah called today and invited me over in June for a camping trip. I had money saved up for a Wii, but I’d much rather spend my time hanging with Noah for a few days instead of playing video games alone. I asked Mom for permission and she took a while to respond but eventually said sure and I booked my ticket immediately after. I just heard the whispers again. I tried to record it on my phone but it’s just some screechy feedback.
June 22 2007
After I went through the standard routine with my psychiatrist, I said goodbye to John and Mom and took a taxi to the airport. This was my first time flying on a plane on my own so I was a little nervous but it was less scary than I anticipated. There was this nice lady sitting next to me and we had a conversation about film making the whole flight. Noah and his dad picked me up and just being in their company lifted my spirits to a place they hadn’t been in a long while, cracking jokes and telling stories all the way back to Noah’s house. I’m glad I didn’t end up buying a Wii because Noah already had one and we played the new rerelease of Resident Evil 4, which was awesome. After that, we got our camping gear together and drove off to the campsite. This was also my first time ever camping. The prospect of being alone in the woods honestly gives me the creeps
june 22 2007
because I always have had nightmares of being chased through them and figured Mr. Slim was out for my blood. However, being with Noah and Uncle Alex made me feel really comfortable and safe so I was actually pretty excited to be amongst nature. We drove about 50 miles inland before we reached the parking lot. There were some deer grazing really close to us and I snapped a good pic of them. It was really hot but we had to walk along this trail the rest of the way to get to the campsite. I swore I saw someone in the trees, but Uncle Alex said that we’re not the only ones out here since there were other cars. We came across this wooden structure and Alex said he and his buddies used to play in it when he camped here back when he was a teen. There was more walking before we reached another wooden tower and he said that we were close. Finally, we made it to the campsite which really didn’t look all that different than any of the other clearings we passed. While Noah’s dad set up our tents, Noah and I chased some squirrels that were nearby and I got a really close up pic of one. It was starting to get dark so we lit a campfire and we roasted some hot dogs and marshmallows and cooked some beans. The fire we made was much better than last year, and it was just us so it felt even more special. While talking about it, the subject of Noah’s house fire came up. I asked to know more about it, since I
june 22 2007
barely knew anything about what went down and I could relate. Alex said that the fire happened on October 10th, 1998, and it was some sort of electrical deal or something like a short circuit that started due to some faulty wiring in their breaker box. Noah’s parents were out at a concert and he was left home with a babysitter. She was sleeping in front of the TV and the fumes knocked her out so she got burned really badly, but Noah was found unharmed by the firefighters sleeping in his room. Then Alex said that my Mom flew down immediately after to offer the family some aid, like the very next day.* I thought back to that time and vaguely recall her leaving for Florida in 1998, but only because she let me stay over at Kevin’s house that Friday. The thing is, I don’t think she ever mentioned anything about the fire until after she got back home. I instantly felt sick to my stomach and asked to be excused so I could go to bed. Why would she do that? There’s no legitimate reason I can think of. I know she had an ongoing feud with her sister over the way Karl treated her, but the fighting never got that bad. I don’t want to think she did it. But where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
*i don't remember much of the day of the fire back when i was 7, but mary did come down. she was so very kind to us, and we were so thankful at the time. it almost felt apologetic in retrospect.
fox
june 23 2007
June 23 2007
I woke up alone in the darkness. As my eyes adjusted to the surroundings and I looked around, I panicked. I was in a forest, but it was a very different forest. It was far denser, the trees were taller, and it was much colder than when I went to bed. It was the forest from my dreams. I emerged from a thick haze blanketing the ground and got some footing. The crickets were deafening and I could see my breath. Looking up, I realized just how strikingly bright the stars were. I had never seen so many before in my life, other than in space posters. I took out my phone and called Noah. No signal, low battery. This was either the most vivid forest dream I’ve ever had, or I had somehow sleepwalked far away from the campsite. I started walking toward the brightest star I could make out, as advised by a hiking survival handbook I read once. If I follow the north star due north, I can use it to navigate in place of a compass. I used my phone’s flash as a light at first, but decided to turn it off to conserve battery. The full moon provided plenty of light to illuminate the path ahead. Then, I saw a dim light flickering off the trees. I ventured closer and saw that it came from a large crackling campfire with a sizable tent behind it. I was about to run over for help, but then I stopped in my tracks. I could make out a man sitting at a table by the fire. He was sharpening a big knife. Making as little noise as possible, I backed up and went in the opposite direction. As much as I wanted to be near that fire to warm up, I really didn’t want to be near that man or his big knife.
june 23 2007
I still had a spoon in my cargo pants pocket from dinner, so I began carving the eye symbol on a bunch of trees like I had done in my dream. I figured this was the shadow beings’ way of showing me how to protect myself from evil. Eventually, I came across a clear stream and couldn’t help myself but drink from it to moisten my parched throat. I heard a rustling in front of me and an animal came out of the darkness across the water. It was a fox. It limped towards me, wheezing pathetically. As it got closer I could see that it was badly injured. Its fur was covered in patches of blood and one of its hind legs was twisted broken, but it didn’t seem afraid of me at all. As it sat across from me and turned its head to drink, I held my breath in a gasp. One of its eyeballs was dangling from its socket by a glistening red thread. I was sufficiently disturbed, half at the fox’s gruesome state and half because it occurred to me that I had dreamt of this exact animal before in my youth. Suddenly, its head shot up and stared me with its one working eye. It felt like it was looking right through me, but I quickly realized it was really looking past me. What I was feeling was another’s gaze. I turned around and froze solid. From amongst the trees, Mr. Slim leered at us. That moment was the most terrified I had ever felt in my entire life… seeing the absurdly tall faceless humanoid figure in formal attire from my darkest nightmares,
june 23 2007
as still as the trees, right in front of me. The feeling of his lingering gaze was so much more potent than it had ever been before. My skin crawled, my hair became needles, and my blood ran ice cold. I was mentally and physically petrified. I couldn’t move a muscle, I couldn’t even blink. It felt like a waking sleep paralysis. I was absolutely helpless in that moment. After what seemed like an eternity, his head moved slightly and I broke from my trance. I shot up backwards and darted away as fast as I could, leaving the poor immobilized fox behind to stare in fear at the surreal horror. I sprinted aimlessly into the dense, stagnant fog for a good while before stopping to rest at the trunk of a large tree. I was playing out my dreams now. I carved the symbol into the bark and hid in a small alcove underneath a fat root. I heard noises approach and cupped my mouth silent. Some sort of odd clicking sound echoed off the trees and I took out my phone to record it. After I started recording, I slipped and cut my hand on a sharp root, letting out a tiny yelp. The clicking immediately stopped. I felt him uncomfortably close now. I sobbed, convinced that this was where I would die at the hands of boogeyman. Out of nowhere, a nearby shout cracked through the silence. “HEY OVER HERE” I got up to peek. Mr. Slim was directly over my hiding spot, but he was facing a man. It was a shadow man, half
june 23 2007
obscured in the milky mist. “RUN MILO RUN” I sprung to my feet and fled, not looking back. I was so perplexed at what had just transpired that I didn’t make out the back of the tent that I had come across previously and ran right into it. The cloth engulfed me and the men inside began shouting in confusion as the tent walls collapsed around them. I jumped out from the chaos and back into the woods. I took a quick glance back to catch the man at the table standing, peering in my direction. When I turned back around I slammed face first into a tree. I awoke terribly sore inside the first wooden tower we came across on the way to our camping site. It was still dark out so in my delirium I figured that I had sleepwalked here and had a terrible nightmare. I retraced my steps and reached our camp at the break of sunrise. Uncle Alex came out from his tent right as I was getting back in ours and asked what was up. I said I had come back from taking a leak. He asked if I had a good night’s sleep. I said I had a nightmare. Noah was still fast asleep so I got back into my sleeping bag to write down my dream. That’s when I noticed a fresh scar on my hand that had never been there before… right in the spot where the root had cut it in my nightmare. I checked my phone. One missed call to Noah, photos I don’t remember taking, and a new audio clip. It wasn’t a nightmare. That instant marked the second most terrifying moment of my entire life: realizing that the first moment was real.
pantry
june 24 2007
June 24 2007
On the morning drive back, I was silent. My head was replaying the events of last night on repeat. It was real. It all actually fucking happened. I charged my phone in the car and listened to the audio that I had recorded. It cuts to some loud screech before the shadow man shouted, but that terrible clicking sound will haunt me for as long as I live. The fact that it felt vaguely familiar to me gave me chills every time I played it. I had Noah listen to it and he said that it sounded like a wooden crank. One of the pics I don’t remember taking that shocked me was a glitched photo of trees, but if you looked closely you can see what looks like Mr. Slim. I showed it to Noah and to my surprise he said, “Huh. Yeah, it kinda looks like a man.” Uncle Alex said that he didn’t see anything but trees, to which Noah disagreed firmly. I tried not to freak out. Alex said it must be like one of those rabbit duck illusions he couldn’t see. We stopped at a rest stop and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. There was a little blood but I felt much better afterward. Could have been the camp food. Probably just car sickness I hope. Arriving back at Noah’s place, I wanted to put everything I experienced behind me and get back into the blissfully ignorant mindset of enjoying my time at Noah’s, so I wanted to just have a gaming marathon for the rest of the day. His parents went out for the day and weren’t gonna be back until later so we just played video games. After lunch, we walked back to Noah’s room and there he was. Mr. Slim was right fucking there standing at the end of the hallway.
june 24 2007
We screamed and ran to the pantry to hide. I was completely terrified, but also in awe at this confirmation. Noah really did see him too. “You can see him?” I asked. “Who the fuck is that?” Noah whispered, hyperventilating. The mix of fear and elation clashed within me like oil and water, and as I looked in his frightened eyes in the dim light of the pantry I had a flash of a vision from 10 years ago. Shadow Noah wanted me to help Noah. At that moment I wanted to stop time and tell him everything that had happened, but instead in that moment Noah looked behind me and screamed. I turned and was faced point blank with a black tie. We held each other and screamed. The last thing I saw was pitch black tendrils wrap around us, plunging the pantry into blackness. I woke up with a jolt to Noah yelling. He was cheering. I was on his bed as he sat playing Resident Evil 4. I waited for a second and asked what had happened. He said that he just defeated the U3 boss, the one with the dropping cages. He went on explaining how it had taken him a long time to beat it before apologizing for waking me. He said that after lunch he played the game while I took a nap. I asked what about hiding in the pantry from the big man? He thought I was talking about Resident Evil and told me about how he already passed that level while I was asleep. He went back to playing as I sat there dumbfounded. I whipped out my phone and brought up the pic of Mr. Slim
june 24 2007
in the trees. I asked Noah if he remembers seeing that man and he replied, “I don’t see a man, there’s just trees.” He had been wiped.* I asked what meds he takes, if he takes any capsules. He said other than antibiotics when sick, nothing. As he went back to playing, I cried silently behind him. I saw so much of myself in him: my childhood innocence… now shattered beyond repair, my love of gaming… now reduced to a distraction from reality, my unknowing mind… now pried open and raw for the buzzards to pick at. He is cursed, like me, but doesn’t even realize it yet. And although I’m truly happy that he’s had the luxury of being oblivious to his dormant affliction for 16 years unlike myself, I think it’s only because I’m the current target. Maybe I’m just keeping his sickness at bay because Mr. Slim is focused on me. Everyone I’ve seen with a dark counterpart must be vulnerable. This means that Mom can definitely see him, Karl must be able to, and maybe even Kevin too. I know this latent state is temporary for Noah. It’s only a matter of time before it comes creeping into his life too. But he won’t be prepared like I was, growing up with it from infancy. I never wanted to get Noah involved in the tangles of my problems, but realizing that it’s really a shared condition and that this misfortune may be inescapable for him brought me over the edge to a point beyond the ability to enjoy my stay. I faked a phone call and said my plane had a last minute reschedule so I had to leave immediately. As I’m writing this now from the plane home, I’m realizing I left some of my games**. I don’t think I’ll message him about it. Noah is my best friend, but I’m not sure if I should even keep contacting him. If my fate is inevitable for him and being in contact puts him in danger, I want to protect him as long as possible by keeping my distance.
*i don’t remember the pantry incident. i only remember playing resident evil with milo. i do remember the photo he showed me now, and now i can clearly see who he was talking about. more than not when i look back, i feel like i was blind.
**milo never asked me for his games back, and he never thanked me after i sent them back. after that visit, our phone calls became less and less frequent. i thought maybe either i had upset him somehow or he was just going through a lot back home since he always mentioned that his mom was a bitch. i knew he visited many psychiatrists, but he never discussed them with me so i wrote his aloofness off to personal mental issues all those years. knowing the truth now, i really don’t blame him for keeping quiet to spare me from the turmoil for as long as possible. he took it upon himself to bear the full weight of that burden, which is inspiring and brave beyond my abilities. he was really a true friend, and i owe him more than i can ever repay.
camera
september 16 2007
September 16 2007
I’m 19 now. I woke up to Oscar sitting on my chest, licking my face. At least someone cares it’s my birthday. I don’t really have birthday parties anymore. What usually happens now is that I wake up to a card from John and Mom with a meager amount of cash and an extra nice meal if I’m lucky. I know money is tight right now, but the ‘love’ I’m receiving feels so… corporate. Like it’s only there for the sake of keeping up appearances. I’m glad I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but more and more I feel like I’m in a rat in a cage disguised as a home. I will escape this cage one day, but until then I must deal with these cards I’ve been dealt. These awful, terrible cards. But despite my unfortunate hand, I’m still in the game. Today I decided to treat myself by doing something that’s been on my mind for a while, buying myself a camcorder. I’ve always wanted to have my very own video camera so I figured, why not just go out and buy one? I have enough money saved up from work, and the birthday cash helps too. I’ve been reading several books about film production and I want to maybe get involved in the film industry someday, so I might as well start somewhere. I asked John to drive me to Best Buy because Mom asleep past noon again. We picked out a decent camera for $500 and some tapes. John admitted they hadn’t bothered to get me a cake due to some argument so he took me out to eat at my favorite restaurant, this little family run German place, which I honestly preferred to some store bought cake. Some of my best times now are spent alone bonding with John, it’s always different when Mom is there with us. He always talks about how Mom has changed, how she’s grown more distant and that magic he felt years ago just isn’t there. I think deep
september 16 2007 - october 7 2007
down, we both know the relationship is on the rocks. I feel so bad for John. He’s a genuinely good person and he certainly deserves better than the likes of my Mom. Leaving the restaurant, I saw Mr. Slim in the parking lot, clear as day. As much as videography was on my mind, so was the prospect of capturing evidence of this creature. I gripped the camera package tight as we drove away. I’ve been wondering, if I was able to catch him in a photo, maybe I could catch him on video? Even if others are unable to notice him at first, I might be one step closer to proving my sanity. Testing the camera out, an idea hit me. I’m going to set up the camera to record out my window overnight to see if I can catch the guy who’s been snapping photos late at night. The tapes are reusable, so I can do this nightly until I capture whoever is doing this. I’m going to cut a hole in a tissue box, hide the camera in it, and place it on my windowsill inconspicuously. Someone thinks they can film me without me knowing? Well, two can play that game.
October 7 2007
I’m at Karl’s house. The shadow version of me is there. I follow him up the stairs into a closet I’ve never been inside before. He pulls aside a rack of coats and kneels to unscrew an air vent. Then, I’m sitting in a chair in a dark room. I’m holding something heavy. It’s a gun. My left arm is covered in wounds and I’m in tears. Shadow Noah is standing in a doorway nearby. The door in front of me opens and someone walks in. Their presence fills me with a strong mix of emotions. As these feelings reach a peak, I wake. It’s 4 PM. I usually have these intense dreams when I sleep in this late. My daily routine for the past three weeks consists of hooking up my camera to the TV and spending a few hours
october 7 2007
fast forwarding through the nighttime surveillance footage to see if I’ve caught the stalker on film. So far, it’s been silent save for September 30th. Someone in a hoodie can be seen walking down the street at 3 AM. Could be nothing, but it’s very suspicious to me. When I went to my psychiatrist, I asked hypothetically what it would happen if a patient was able to capture evidence of their hallucinations. She told me this story about a delusional patient she had in the 90s who was convinced that there was a man in a big coat wandering around his home at night, spying on him from the woods while he slept. One day, he came to her proclaiming that he had gotten him on tape. She watched his footage and to her surprise there was something there on the tape. Turns out, it was just a bear. I showed her the evidence from my phone. She didn’t acknowledge anything, but instead told me that she believes that I am seeing these beings and that if I’m able to capture what I see on video she can help me make better sense of what I’m perceiving. I’ve been seeing Mr. Slim more often now but, like the night stalker, he’s eluded my capture so far. Trying to film him has been a string of frustrating inconveniences. Either I’ve not had my camera with me, or when I do he always disappears by the time it’s turned on. I’ve had a few really close calls at work, but I’ve got nothing definitive on tape yet. The video has also heavily corrupted playback at times. Either this new camera is broken, or his very presence warps electronics. I think Mr. Slim has some kind of mental cloaking ability that allows him to hide in plain sight. For some reason, immediate members of my family are less susceptible to it. My theory is that the more you are exposed to his presence the more his camouflage wears off and his influence becomes apparent to you, just like how photosensitive paper is blank until a light source is
october 7 2007
shown through a negative at it and an image slowly becomes visible. I think me being close to Kevin weakened the camouflage’s effect on him, kind of like getting radiation poisoning from being exposed to an excessive amount of high energy waves. I also believe that the more you’re able to see him, the more he chooses to invade your life. For whatever reason, this being doesn’t like his cover being blown. It makes me wonder who else I could have put at risk by merely being in frequent close proximity to over the years. Maybe my extended family? What about my teachers and classmates? How about my coworkers or the neighbors? My stepdad? The mailman? Oscar? Who knows, but I think that if I’m able to capture hard visual validation of Mr. Slim on tape by my biannual checkup in June and prove to Dr. Garner that he is a real entity, I can make the case that I’m not schizophrenic after all. I don’t expect for her to spot him instantly, but considering how we have an established history together it might not take all that much to reveal him. She may very well see him just as soon as Noah did. I do realize that this potentially puts Dr. Garner in danger, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take at this point. If she believes me, I’ll have a reputable ally in the scientific community to vouch for my claims and maybe then some actual progress can be made. Until then, the only thing I have to look forward to is eating New York food. Elizabeth and Will Adler are getting formally recognized in a ceremony for scholastic achievement in December and Mom and I are flying up north to attend. I eavesdropped on Mom and John talking in the middle of the night and she mentioned something about visiting Grandpa Karl for something important. If we do stop by his house for whatever reason, I’m going to try to find that closet vent. I’m pretty sure that’s where he’s hidden the journal.
will
december 21 2007
December 21 2007
We flew into New York yesterday. It occurred to me as we landed that I haven’t been to New York in 10 years. Man, did I miss the food here. I’m sure I ate my weight in pizza alone. The Adler kids have really grown. I almost didn’t recognize them in their formal attire and their personalities were very unlike what I remember. They seemed like completely different people. I guess a decade will do that. We spent a good while catching up and it felt really nice reacquainting with one another. Only a few students in their entire university receive such accolades for exemplary academic performance so I felt proud to be related to them. I didn’t really know my Grandma Sonia well, but I wish she could have been there to see her sister’s grandchildren be so distinguished. Aunt Steph saw me show off my camera and she asked if I could film them as they walked to accept their awards since their camera had broken, and I agreed. Good thing I brought extra tapes. I still have to review the last week of night footage. I’ve honestly gotten lazy due to results. Before we left for the ceremony in the afternoon, Mom complained of severe abdominal pain and said to go on without her and that she’d meet us there. Of course, she never showed up. I already knew she was lying. It’s Friday and her secret special meetings are more important than celebrating her own family. Despicable. At the auditorium, Aunt Sharon was there. I sat next to her and asked about Noah. She said he and his dad weren’t able to make it for monetary reasons. I was relieved, honestly. The less exposure he has to me the better. I feel bad about not calling him for his birthday, but the less contact the better. I went on to film the ceremony, but had to stop shooting before the closing statements because I had foolishly neglected to charge the camera overnight and the battery had died on me. No sooner had I realized this, than I caught
december 21 2007 - december 28 2007
a glimpse of Mr. Slim. He was behind a promenade window above the farthest seats across the arena overlooking the auditorium. I tried to boot up my camera, but there was no juice. Typical ill-timed circumstances, it’s like he knows. I had trained myself for this moment though. In one swift motion, I flipped out my phone and snapped a pic. He was gone as soon as the snapshot noise chimed, but this time I got the son of a bitch. The image glitched and I didn’t get his full form, but there’s clearly someone there, darker than the rest. I can almost make out branchlike tendrils. As everyone began to stand up to exit, I was the most ecstatic person in the room. This was just a small step in acquiring evidence and wouldn’t hold up on its own, but a step forward nonetheless. What is a lake but accumulation of many drops? I’m going to allow myself to sleep soundly tonight. Any progress deserves to feels really, really good.
December 28 2007
I was under the impression from Mom that we were going to leave shortly after the award ceremony, but apparently we’re staying through New Years for a change. I’m grateful that the Adler family was gracious enough to house us for that long. We spent the holidays with them and I had a really great time. It really felt like the old family reunions we used to have, back when times were simpler and happiness was in abundance. I was having such a good time with the Adlers that I didn’t even notice Mom leave last night. I was still riding the high of snagging that photo when she abruptly took me aside during game night to say that we’re leaving for an important meeting soon.
december 28 2007
My contentment was shattered. I didn’t want to go to any of her shady secret meetings but I knew better than to question her, lest I wish to blow my faux-medicated cover. Medicated me tends to follow orders without question. I reluctantly got dressed and followed her outside. There was a car waiting for us. To my surprise, the driver was Aunt Sharon. I assumed she was also in the cult. I tried my best to remain calm but I was already thoroughly freaking out. She asked why Mom was bringing me. Mom replied that, “Either he comes along to see him or the deal is off. I want Milo to speak to him.” Sharon conceded with a heavy sigh and we drove off. I was panicking internally, not knowing what was happening and unable to bring myself to ask anything in fear of giving myself away to Mom. The sisters were behaving alarmingly civil. Nothing seemed right. In my nervous rush, I had left my camera and phone in my backpack. I felt naked without them, utterly defenseless. First, we pulled up to an unfamiliar house and a quiet man with a stack of folders got in the back seat across from me. Next, we pulled into a Burger King drive thru and Sharon ordered 5 meals. Oddly enough, this scared me even more, only adding to the sheer confusion of the situation. Finally, after a drive long enough to make the burgers cold, we parked on a familiar street. We were at Grandpa Karl’s house. “First we iron out the legalities. Milo can come in after we’re done. I don’t want any issues with dad.” Sharon said. Mom agreed and told me, “Stay here and eat. We will come back for you after we’re done sorting things out.” She gave me an abnormally long glare before breaking eye contact, as if to insinuate
december 28 2007
something unsaid. The sisters and the mystery man left the car with their food and rang the doorbell. Mom stayed out of view as Karl answered the door to Sharon. He looked much older, his hair had fallen out and he walked with a limp. She and the man exchanged some words with Karl before he looked past them to see Mom and a commotion erupted. Karl tried to shut the door, but Mom stuck her foot in it and ushered everyone inside. The door slammed shut and I was left in silence, forced to breathe the stench of paper bag wrapped fast food. They were confronting Karl about a legal matter. It didn’t seem to be cult related so far. But why did Mom need to speak to him all of a sudden? I was a bit dizzy from the stress and not hungry in the least, so I opened the car door to get some fresh air. Maybe this wasn’t a cult meeting, maybe this was just a Karl meeting. I reevaluated my predicament. Mom could have simply just left me with the Adlers, or even back home with John. We spent a lot of cash on those plane tickets. I was beginning to think that she brought me along deliberately. Maybe she’s counting on me to nab that magic journal. That had to be why I was there. The front door’s unlocked. I knew where to look. I could sneak in if I dared. But should I do what she wants me to? What they want me to? Is it even a good idea to steal it? I’ve felt an uncanny attraction to that damn book for years. Fuck it, I thought. I was so close before, and I don’t know the next time I’ll have such an opportunity. If anything, I could swipe it covertly without anyone knowing so I could find out for myself why it was so sought after. So I left the car, went to the door, and entered as quietly as I could.
december 28 2007
I didn’t have to try that hard, because the shouting in the kitchen masked any noise I made in the foyer. I moved to the adjacent room and listened in. They were discussing Karl’s will, and the unknown man seemed to be a translator. At first I wondered why he was there, considering Mom knows German. Either he’s there for legal counsel, or Sharon probably hired him because she doesn’t trust Mom, and I wouldn’t blame her. It was clear that Karl was not being cooperative. Sharon was calm and collected, but Mom was heated. Eventually she said, “What’s gonna happen to that book when you go, dad?” I heard Karl light a cigarette and mutter something before coughing. The man translated, “Little girls shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches when they enjoy lighting fires.” Mom was furious at this and I smiled wide to myself. I couldn’t help but admire the gall my grandfather had for holding his own against her. Sharon took hold of the conversation and mentioned appraising the collection of expensive China dishware, held in the room I was currently in. I quickly snuck out as they entered and turned on the light. I tiptoed upstairs, retracing my dream like I had done years ago. I entered the closet, turned on the light, and located the vent. I didn’t have a screwdriver, so I plucked a thin button from one of the coats and used it to loosen the screws and remove the vent. There it was. The ammunition box. Nostalgia rushed through me as I unlatched it, took out the old satchel, and removed the leather bound journal. It was surreal to hold it again. I untied it and flipped through the aged pages. It was ages upon pages of German writing with some odd drawings.
december 28 2007
Depictions of Mr. Slim were among them. Suddenly, I came across something that… my mind couldn’t make sense of. I still cannot find the words to accurately explain or recall what it was. I felt the same intense vibe that I had only felt once before when I had last seen it in 1996. I touched it. I felt nothing on my skin as my fingertips passed over it, but a bizarre sensation flowed through me that I can only describe as an ineffably strong connection to some divine power, far beyond my comprehension. In that moment, it was as if millions of wandering eyes had all turned to stare at me at once. I felt him. He was very near. There was an abrupt piercing shriek from downstairs. It was Karl, “Das kind! Das kind ist hier!” I leaped up and ran down stairs with this holy tomb that felt alive in my hands, adrenaline racing. I could hear bounding from across the house towards me. I made it to the front door, opened it, and was blocked by dark figure. Shadow Karl. “Nicht.” he whispered. Before I had the chance to react, I was checked in the jaw by an elbow and fell to the floor. Karl pried the journal from my grip and held it tight as the others entered the scene. Karl ran downstairs to the basement as Mom gave chase, both screaming in German at each other. Karl kept repeating the same line over and over. Sharon, bewildered, asked the trembling translator what he was saying. The man gulped and translated, “The child tried to kill us all. The child tried to kill us all.”
surveillance
january 1 2008
January 1 2008
These past three days I’ve been a nervous wreck. I’m unsure if Mom is aware of my mental sovereignty or not, given my actions. Back at Karl’s, she came back up from the basement, snatched up the folders, and said we have to go. Sharon refused, as the will had not been signed yet. However, we all left quickly once Karl returned, shotgun drawn. He kicked us out into the night. Mom was surprisingly calm and Sharon was the furious one. The translator man was shaking from the ordeal and called a cab home. The drive home was a blur of fighting and stale fast food stink. I wrote the last entry in the early morning locked in the bathroom, nursing my aching jaw. In the morning after she saw me swallow my capsule to regurgitate later, Mom took me aside, gave me an ice pack, and asked how I was feeling. I said my jaw is sore but I’m okay. I decided to roll the dice and take a chance playing the fool. I asked what had happened last night and claimed that all I remember was being in the car. She said that we went to Grandpa Karl’s house to notarize his will, but it didn’t get signed because he had a violent manic episode and we had to leave in a hurry. She went on explaining that I had hit my head when Sharon stopped short on the drive home. I played along as if it had all actually happened. She said, “There will be more opportunities.” Her placid demeanor made me uneasy. I’m pretty sure that she intended for me to get the journal, and had I been taking those caps regularly, I think that I may have done the same thing. Even when fully medicated, I still remember feeling a gravitational pull towards the vague
january 1 2008
concept of a book that I couldn’t rationalize in that state. I think that’s why I gravitated to that library job. I just don’t know if I would have been any more successful had I been under that medication’s spell. I hesitated plenty. Who knows what she’s thinking. Last night, after the ball dropped to usher in 2008, Mom got a call and stepped out of the room. I figured it was John with New Year’s wishes, but I don’t think it was. “What do you mean he filed a restraining order? Just us? Not Sharon? What the fuck? This is bullshit!” All this over that goddamn book. There’s something terribly special about it beyond my understanding, and it frightens me to be honest. Maybe it’s best that I didn’t get it. No doubt Mom would know if I had it because Karl would be losing his shit once he realized it was missing, and I’m sure he has some kind of deep connection to it so he would have known immediately. And, feeling what I felt, there’s no telling what would happen if the likes of my Mom got control over it. Also, I was scanning through that week of surveillance footage tonight when something caught my eye. For a moment, I saw a flash. I rewound and replayed. I got him. From behind the tree someone emerged for no more than a second to snap a photo. If I would have blinked, I would have missed it. The person had walked across the street in such a way as to perfectly conceal themselves behind the tree, out of view of my window. I slowed the playback frame by frame and stopped at the moment right before the flash. I got up close to the TV to get a better look. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. It was difficult to make out,
january 1 2008
but the face I saw made my heart skip uncomfortably. Behind a shiny pair of glasses was what looked exactly like the face of Kevin Haas. Like an avalanche, my mind was lost in a flurry of thoughts. I had forgotten about Kevin. He had been slowly drifting away from me for a long time, becoming increasingly reclusive and stopped answering his phone, but after high school ended it was like he disappeared. He had tried to do some freelance work in the past, but the last time I spoke to him I remember him saying that he landed a full time assistant job at some startup called Ricola Events. I looked up Ricola Events on the Adler’s computer but I couldn’t find any company matching that name in our area, or in all of Alabama for that matter. I still had his number in my phone so I dialed it. The number had been disconnected. There’s no doubt in my mind that I invited Mr. Slim into his life anymore. Was he lying? What has he been doing? Why is he taking candid photos of me while I fucking sleep? Is he working for the cult now? For Mom? This visit north has turned from one of the best trip’s I’ve had in years into one of the most alarming. I’m going to try and find him when I get home. Ok, just woke up from a dream I can’t forget. I followed shadow me into the garage. He pointed to the entrance to the attic. That must be where that safe is hidden. I can’t fucking wait to get home.
flash
january 5 2008
January 5 2008
As soon as we got home and John went out with Mom, I ran to the garage. I got the ladder, climbed up to the attic entrance, and pushed up the wooden slab to get in. I had only been up there once before when I was really young after we had first moved in. It isn’t a furnished attic, the skeleton of the roof is exposed. There’s a series of wooden planks and fluffy pink insulation sits under more rows of wooden planks instead of a floor. It seemed the same as I remember, but shining my flashlight around I noticed something tucked in the far corner. I carefully stepped across the wood to get a closer look and in the corner was none other than the new safe from my dream. I left the attic as it was, put the ladder back, and scoured the house again for that specific key from the dream. It’s been days now and I’ve checked every damn nook and cranny from Mom’s room to the kitchen, but to no avail. I was going to write this entry when I found the key, since I expected to have found it by now, but there’s been another development. Last night at 4 AM, I saw someone outside standing under a streetlight. I was prepared for this moment. I had done some reading and figured out how to temporarily disable the back door from tripping the house alarm. So I quietly ran out into the street. Someone was still standing there. I took out my phone to snap a picture of them and ran back in to zoom in and see if it was Kevin. To my dismay, they did not show up in the photo. Either my eyes were playing tricks on me, or they were playing tricks on my eyes. Also, Noah called me today to wish me
january 5 2008 - february 11 2008
a belated happy new year. I hadn’t spoken to him much at all lately because I had purposefully been tapering down the amount of calls I answered to limit my exposure to him, but I decided to allow this one. We had a real nice conversation catching up with each other and joking like when we were kids. He asked if I wanted to visit him one of these weekends after his classes end. I choked up, forcing lies through my teeth that I’m not sure if I can since my library job is really demanding on my schedule. And then I thought about it again. Is evading Noah really the most responsible thing to do? What will happen if by chance I die and Mr. Slim turns his sights to him? And he’s completely unprepared for that psychological onslaught? He’ll be utterly fucked. I’m beginning to think that it’s my moral obligation as a carrier of this shared disease to at least let him know what may be coming for him. I doubled back and told him that I’d have to get the ok from my boss to see if they’ll grant me some vacation days. I hung up feeling queasy. I could tell him everything over the phone, but that’s far too impersonal for consequences of this magnitude. If this does end up being the last time I see Noah for a long while, I need to make it count. I need to give him at least something, advice, a warning, a sign, anything to help him defend against this bizarre threat that we’re both deeply intertwined in.
February 11 2008
Even though I don’t use my cell phone much, I've started getting a whole bunch of
february 11 2008
solicitor calls this past month. I’ve only given my phone number out to a handful of people, no strangers. I’m thinking it might be because I wrote my number into a public sweepstakes form to win an iPod Nano at work last year. Some douche probably lifted the numbers and sold them to a telemarketing agency. They call me at random times of the day about random shit ranging from insurance stuff to political brown nosing. At first I was annoyed, but then I started to have fun just fucking with them, like pretending to be an investigator from an active crime scene that they had called and asking for their personal information. I don’t usually get that many at night but last night, I got a call at 4 AM. I was going to just ignore it, but because it was so late I wanted to give this fucker a piece of my mind. So I picked up and waited for someone to start selling me something, but there was silence. I waited a few seconds and listened. I heard some faint noises, light breathing. There was definitely someone on the line with me, waiting for me to say something. “Just sell me the scam already,” I said. Still nothing. I hung up. Not five seconds later, it rang again. Caller ID read UNKNOWN. Maybe it was just a ringback, so I didn’t answer. Then it rang again. And again. And again. I eventually picked up with, “I don’t want your fucking service.” I could hear louder breathing on the other line now. “Milo?” the voice whispered. “Who the hell is this and why are you calling this late?” I replied. There was what sounded like shallow giggling followed by some unintelligible gibberish. I made out some things like
february 11 2008
“Come to us” and “No sleep”. It sounded like this person was forcing out words, like they were choking. “You need… to end… I’m… sorry. I’m so sorry…They’re…” the voice said before it moaned into an inhuman screech.* I shut the phone at that… but I heard the screech continue. It came from outside. I pulled open my blinds and was assaulted by a bright burst of light that blinded me. The stalker was literally right outside my window and snapped a photo. In a half-awake frenzy, I ran out the back door without disabling the alarm and tripped it. I could barely see what was in front of me because the intense after image from a point blank flashbulb had stained my vision, so I retreated back inside. John was in the living room with his pistol drawn, assuming a break in had happened. I nearly pissed myself when he swung the barrel in my direction when the lights on came on and Mom turned off the alarm. They asked me what happened and I scrambled for an excuse. I said that I had woken up, thought I was still dreaming, and went to go to the backyard. This turned out to be an awful explanation. “Were you sleepwalking, hun?” Mom asked incredulously. “I don’t think so? I’m not sure what came over me,” I said, grasping for straws. “Could it have been that I missed my medication?” Mom was furious at this, but playing the oblivious card was imperative. “You KNOW that you can’t miss your meds, Milo! Not even once!” I aimed to confuse. “But… I thought I did take them tonight? Didn’t you give me them after dinner?”
february 11 2008
John, my savior, chimed in, “Mary, shit, I don’t think you did.” “Of course I fucking did, John.” “This wouldn’t be the first time, babe.” “I swore… I took them after the casserole. Do you remember?” I added, knowing fully well that we had stir fry. “That was yesterday. You feeling okay, champ?” John said. “Sorry, I’m half asleep and my head is real foggy. Mom, do you think it’d be safe to take another dose just in case?” “Yes, definitely.” If there’s an art to playing dumb, tonight I was on display at the MOMA. I apologized again, took a black cap in front of them, and went back to bed. I waited an uncomfortably long time to make sure that they had gone back to bed, like half an hour or so, before sneaking to the bathroom and sticking my finger down my throat to regurgitate the cap. To my horror, the gelatin casing had already begun to dissolve but I’m pretty confident that I made it to the toilet before anything was absorbed. I’ve been clean for nearly a year and a half, I’m sharper than ever, and I have no plans to be shoved back into a mental prison. I really hope that I’ve fooled my parents this time. I can’t afford another slipup at this juncture, I’m already walking on a waterbed of broken glass as it is. The more I think about that call, the more I can make out the sound of Kevin’s voice. What have I done to him? What have they done to him? What are they doing to him.
*this description is eerily similar to the mystery call that i received on the very same phone. i had been under the impression for years that it may have been kevin on the line struggling to break free, and this confirms it.
snap
march 6 2008
March 6 2008
John came to me in the morning with a proposal. He wanted to clear up space in the garage by getting a storage shed for the backyard like the neighbors have. Our garage is super cluttered and unkempt, it looks like a packrat has been squatting there, so it seemed like a fair idea. Mom was out running errands for the day so he asked if I wanted to accompany him to the hardware store, saying we could pick up some tapes if I wanted. I had him under the impression that I was filming ads for the library, but reusing the tapes so many times had really worn them down so I took up his offer. It was really sweet of him to offer me that, even if it was kind of a bribe, but I honestly would have said yes anyway. We drove to Home Depot to check out some outdoor storage units and picked out this nicely sized barn roof storage shed that was the best deal. There was a huge accident clogging up the main road on the way home, so we had to take a detour and we couldn’t stop for tapes. At a stoplight, I saw Mr. Slim standing by a light pole and snapped a picture. He didn’t show up in the image, but I was freaked out to realize that building in the photo was Hillshire psychiatric hospital, the loony bin that Mom sent me to years ago. Did he make me do this? Fucker was toying with my trauma. I was instantly thrown into a well of terrible memories. I didn’t break eye contact with that dreadful building until the light changed and we turned the corner. We had nothing else planned for the day, so once we got home we went right to work installing the shed. We soon realized
march 6 2008
that we had forgotten to buy exterior grade screws, so I suggested that John use his old nail gun instead. John said that it would make for a crappy job, but was aggravated and didn’t want to drive all the way back out again, so he said fine and let me do the work while he took a rest. Everything seemed to be going fine up until I prepared to get the roofing started. I felt an intense sensation grip my spine. Mr. Slim. Peeking out from the bottom corner of the metal wall that just put up I saw something moving in the weeds. It was dark and writhed around like a snake. I took the nail gun, aimed it at the thing, and fired a nail. There was a scream. I blinked and clearly saw a shoe. I had just shot John in the boot. He fell into the shed and the walls fell inward. I apologized profusely, asserting that I thought it was a snake, but he was really pissed and threw curses at me in a rage claiming that I just wanted to use the nail gun so I could fuck around. He took the nail gun and stormed inside, shouting back at me to check the tool cabinet again to see if we might have some exterior grade screws. So, I looked in every drawer of the cabinet but came up with nothing. I was going to head back inside… but something told me that I needed to look again. And in the very bottom drawer, tucked all the way in the back corner behind John’s old repair equipment was a key. With a black plastic top. The word COPY was pressed into it. I swiped it and ran inside. Before I could make it to my
march 6 2008 - march 7 2008
room, John came over and gave me a big hug. He was sorry for screaming at me and I asked if he was alright. The nail thankfully only just grazed his toe and he wasn’t injured. He then asked if I was up for tagging along to the store again to get the proper screws. Given my serendipitous discovery and feeling grateful for John’s forgiveness, I was in an unusually chipper mood and said let’s go. Might as well celebrate this find with another fun outing with John. We went to Lowe's this time, which was a bit closer, ate some hot dogs at a stand outside, and took a really nice photo together. And even though it glitched the fuck out when I sent it to him, I didn’t feel Mr. Slim’s presence or see him at all for the rest of the day with that lucky key in my pocket. We finished the shed by nightfall and had a great lasagna dinner. I’ve been riding some good vibes. Tomorrow, when Mom checks in with her cult buddies and John is preoccupied, I’m going straight up to the attic and busting that bitch open.
March 7 2008
Fuck. Things were really going my way for a change. How very naive of me to jump into situations without thinking and just assume that things would go my way so easy. So much for that fucking pipe dream. Mom had just left and, to my surprise, John decided to do a last minute grocery run. This was my perfect opportunity. Right when the garage door closed, I flew. I was up in the attic in record time, I nearly fell
march 7 2008
through the insulation when I leapt to the safe. I was shaking so much as I inserted the key. It fit perfectly. But it didn’t turn. I took it out and reinserted it, but it still wouldn’t budge. So, being the fucking idiot that I am, I tried to force it. There was a snap. It felt like I snapped as well. The top half of the key flew out of my sweaty fingers across the attic. I lost my footing, dropped the flashlight, fell backward, and hit my head hard. It all happened so fast. I think I was out for at least 15 minutes. When I came to, I started freaking out. I had turned the key so damn hard that it had broken off in the lock at the neck. The lower half of the key was now jammed in the lock, sticking out ever so slightly but not enough for me to pull free with my fingers. I found the top half of the key, broken off at the neck and missing the black covering.* As fast as I came up, I rushed down to the garage in search of pliers. I swore I didn’t breathe until I returned to the attic with them. The key shaft was barely protruding from the lock, a little over a millimeter, and I couldn’t get a hold on it. Finally, I got a solid grip and pulled hard. Too hard. It flung out, hit wood, and fell somewhere. I tried to find it, but it was like it had just disappeared. I was just screaming bloody murder at that point. And then I saw where it was. It had fallen conveniently between two boards nearby. It glinted at me mockingly as my light shined on it. Before I could even try to fish it out, I heard John
march 7 2008
pull into the driveway. I raced down and put back the ladder just in time to meet him at the front door. He asked me why I was crying. I said the protagonist in the book I was reading had fucked up really bad and it had gotten me emotional. I couldn’t even go back up to the attic because John decided that he wanted to move his garage shit into the shed now. I went back to my room and made my voice sore screaming into my pillow. I was in a bad place. I didn’t even say hello to Mom when she came home, I should have. She was eyeing me for the rest of the night. I logged on John’s computer and searched for safe brands. Eventually, after at least an hour of digging, I found unmistakably the same safe. I read the manual and it turns out that the key alone doesn’t open it, a five digit code must first be entered to unlock a secondary mechanism in order to allow the key to turn. Right now, I’m fucking demolished. I hate myself so much for rushing, for not thinking to make a copy. I’m sure the shadow demons are either ashamed or laughing at me now from a higher plane. Probably both. And now my camera is missing. I could have misplaced it when we went out yesterday. Good chance Mom lifted it from my dresser. Tapes are still here… where I hid them in my sock drawer, but I haven’t even captured any legitimate footage of Mr. Slim yet. Worst part is, I don’t think I should make a stink about it. What if this is a test to see if I’m awoken or not? It better fucking turn up, I need to get at least one sighting for the doctor. I’m approaching my breaking point.
*i'm 99% sure that this is the same broken key that i received in the token letter.
contact
april 16 2008
April 16 2008
I’ve been in a major slump since March. The few chances I’ve gotten where both Mom and John were out, I’ve gone up into the attic and tried to fish the key’s teeth out from within the wood. The first time I had the chance to return up, two weeks had passed and the fucking thing had actually moved deeper down. It somehow lodged itself so it’s nigh impossible to budge and I’m losing my mind trying to retrieve it. I’ve tried paperclips, coat hangers, an actual fishing hook. No avail. It’s now positioned in such a way where I can’t maneuver any implement underneath it, which makes yanking it out effectively an unwinnable battle. Now that my rage has subsided a bit though, I think I’m starting to get an idea about what is going on. Since it first fell between the boards last month, the temperature outside has fluctuated around 20° F. Because all wood contains a certain amount of water, the boards became pliable, contracting when it got cooler and expanding in the heat. It must have dropped deeper and then gotten wedged down there due to the temperature changes. I still haven’t found my camera. John has no idea where it went. Mom definitely took it. I asked her once if she had seen it and she plainly said no. I had to grin and bear it and just say alright even though absolutely nothing has been alright and every damn day I am closer to just losing it. The more I act like zombie Milo on the outside, the more I feel like an actual hollow shell of a being on the inside. But, something extraordinary happened today. At work we have this corkboard by the front desk where local businesses can pin up their business cards.
april 16 2008
The wind coming in from outside had knocked some down off the board and as I went to pin them back up, a name caught my eye. Recolo Events. That’s right. It was RECOLO not RICOLA, that’s the fucking cough drop. After popping so many of those fuckers to quell my coughing, my scrambled brain must have made me log it in my memory banks incorrectly. On my lunch break I searched the name and, lo and behold, there’s their damn website. They’re wedding planners. No staff info listed other than a generic contact us email and phone number, but it has a list of past events that they’ve planned. Looks like last week was the Villegas wedding, Justin and Izabella. I formulated a plan on the spot. I found the newlywed couple’s number in the phonebook and called them. A woman, Izabella presumably, picked up. I said that I was an intern from Recolo events and asked if they wanted to include the embarrassing footage of “the brother” drinking in the final cut of the wedding video. “Anthony was drinking during the reception?” “Yes, looks like he had quite a lot ma’am.” She called out, “Justin, guess what? Planners called, your brother is full of shit! I told you!” I told Mrs. Villegas that I was going to put her on a brief hold, hung up, and had a good laugh. I immediately then called Recolo Events and got through to the receptionist, Samantha. I posed as the groom’s brother Anthony and asked for the contact info of the photographer from the wedding, saying that Justin has a serious issue about the price point of the commemorative photo album. She gave me the number to someone named Jack who’s apparently the wedding coordinator.
april 16 2008 - april 20 2008
I called him and pretended to be Anthony again. I said that Samantha from the office gave me his number and I asked, “Can I get the contact info of the photographer from the wedding? We talked at the wedding and he said that he did freelance work? He gave me his number but I lost it.” He asks me which photographer, as there are apparently 5 that work for him. “I think his name was… Kevin?” I heard some paper shuffling and he read off a number. I thanked him, hung up, took a deep breath, and gave myself a moment to process the elegance of what I had just accomplished. This must be Kevin’s new number. It’s not at all similar to his old one, the area code is New York. I didn’t plan at all to suddenly finesse Kevin’s new number out of thin air like this. I need some time to think about how to approach contacting him, but I’m gonna try to call him come the weekend.
April 20 2008
Well, that just happened. I waited until Saturday to call Kevin so I could have adequate time to ruminate on what could go down. I deliberated over every possible scenario of what to say first, how he could possibly reply, and tried to formulate ways to respond. In the end, I decided to go with the tried and true method of playing dumb. I was going to call him and act like nothing bad had ever happened and say that I’m just trying to touch base with an old friend from grade school after a long time apart. So, at noon I dialed. It rang
april 20 2008
a good five or six times before someone picked up. “Hello?” It sure sounded like him. “Hey, Kev! How’s life?” I said to him like I used to back in the day. There was an uncomfortably long pause. “How’d you get this number?” “Samantha gave it to me,” I said. He asked who I was and I said, “your old buddy Milo Asher.” “Who?” Of the hundreds upon hundreds of different conversation paths, I had not prepared for this one. He didn’t fucking remember me. I started to talk about how we met in elementary school, how we grew up together. He insisted that he never even met me before. I was in complete shock. Nothing I said rang a bell to him, it was like this was the first time we had ever spoken. “Say you did used to know me from elementary school,” he said, “why are you calling now?” I didn’t know how else to be but blunt at that point. “I want to know why you’ve been spying on me at night, Kevin.” He scoffed at me, “Okay listen up dude, stop pranking my number or I’m going to call the cops. Peace.” and hung up. I was utterly flabbergasted. I kept calling again and again until he picked up for a final time just to say, “I’m blocking this number.” I did some research and found out from calling the market where his dad worked that his parents had since divorced and moved to separate sides of the country. I’m guessing he lives alone now, most likely still somewhere in the local area. Needless to say, I’m incredibly confused and
april 20 2008
disheartened. Not only is one of my only friends gone from my life, he doesn’t even know that I ever existed. The next day I called Jack the coordinator again to see if Kevin has an alternate number, but to my surprise, Jack said that he had terminated his contract just yesterday. Literally right after I called him. Either something’s incredibly fishy, or I’m writing this entry from a seafood market. And I’m not. There are three possibilities that come to mind: 1. Kevin has suffered some kind of amnesic episode and legitimately doesn’t remember our friendship, 2. He’s knowingly working for a third party and is just putting on an act to confuse me, or 3. His mind has been purposefully wiped clean somehow and he is being unconsciously controlled by that third party. Considering that any one of those theories holds any truth at all makes my head spin into orbit, but that’s the absurd state in which I find myself right now. I feel so very broken and raw inside from this development, like a huge chunk of who I was suddenly just disappeared. This is the absolute worst headspace I could be in going to visit Noah. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I caved and I’m seeing Noah in 2 weeks after all. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do once I’m there yet. I’m so deathly afraid that the same fate will befall Noah, either him becoming just as haunted as I am or completely forgetting who I am to him. On one hand I know I need to brief him on the potential storm that may descend upon him, but on the other hand I don’t want him to view me as the harbinger that came and ruined his life. Either way, I have no choice but to bite the bullet and face the hard truth. No matter how this visit ends up going, I’m about to lose the only friend I have left.
summoning
april 26 2008
April 26 2008
One of the existential quandaries that has troubled me all my life is the uncertainty involving what happens to the self after death. Is there a next level of reality waiting for us, or does the mind just cease to be after falling into the void of eternal sleep? I’m not sure what to believe. Belief in general has been a fickle thing for me, something I continue to struggle with rationalizing to this day. Sometimes I wish I was carefree like Oscar, oblivious to the terrors of the world and perfectly content in his old age watching birds from the windowsill, his only worry being if feeding time is late. I’m certainly not a religious person, not because I’ve stopped attending a place of worship but because the tangible confirmations that the scientific method provides have always made more sense to me than unverifiable hearsay from sacred texts, and thus has been more mentally comforting. However, given all of the first hand paranormal experiences and direct contact with supernatural beings that I’ve had throughout my life, I can definitely say that I’m not an atheist. I used to think I was agnostic, but I’m not sure I can call myself that anymore since I have personal evidence of their handiwork and I can’t claim that their existence is entirely unknowable. But what does an agnostic call themselves when forced to acknowledge occurrences that transcend all reasonable logic? Uncertain? I guess the only thing I do truly believe in is the certainty of uncertainty itself. There will always be some level of uncertainty to all things and I’ve come to embrace it, because the quest for certainty requires
april 26 2008
tolerating this uncertainty. Not knowing is more terrifying than knowing, and to be comfortable with this notion is the only way to obtain knowledge in the face of a terrifying enigma. So, since the beginning of last year I’ve fought my fears by doing research on spirit boards and their proper use. Kevin and I didn’t use the board safely, and if I wanted to try again I didn’t want to make the same mistakes. We didn’t meditate beforehand, draw a salt circle, or use any protective measures. I think I’m a medium because I have a higher awareness to inexplicable phenomena, so I feel that I already have a better likelihood of making contact with transcendent entities. But this time I’m on my own. The last thing I want is to involve, or infect, anyone else. I felt like I had done an apt amount of research and planned for today to perform a proper summoning. Since Mom and John had planned to go out to some local concert in the evening, tonight was an ideal time to try it all again. I meditated in my room all day until they left and once they did I set up my room for incantation. Because I couldn’t find any real Ouija boards, I made my own homemade spirit board out of a pizza box and a shot glass. I lit some candles and sage incense, turned off the lights, and poured a circle of salt around the board and I. Flipping the board over, I drew the intersecting eye of protection, repeating the mantra, “protection against maleficent beings”. I cleared my mind and introduced myself to the board as a humble mortal with an affliction requesting connection with the
april 26 2008
spirit world for assistance. After a moment, I touched the glass and asked if anyone was out there. No response. After a few tries when I was about to try more meditation, the hair on my neck stood up. I felt a presence enter. The candles flickered and dimmed. I asked again if anyone was out there. I couldn’t tell if it was me or the glass itself, but it began to move and stopped on YES. I collected myself and asked who has joined me and the glass spelled out answers. FIREBRAND. What are you? ROGUEGOD. Are you friend or foe? The glass didn’t budge at first, but then spelled out SHADOW and slid upward, stopping between YES and NO. Ominous. I was speaking to a shadow person. My hands were trembling as I asked what the shadow people are. CURSEDSOULS. I asked why. SEVEREDFLESH. I wasn’t sure what to make of this, but I decided to keep going and ask more clear questions. Is Noah in danger? YES. If I am the current target, what is Noah? NEXT. Should I tell Noah? SHOWHIM. What happened to Kevin? COLLECTED. Why is he taking pictures of me? SPYING. For who? ARCHVASSAL. Why are they doing this to me? ENDSESSION. I wasn’t sure if this was an answer or a request to end the correspondence, so I asked if they wanted to end the conversation. NO. May I ask you more questions? YES. I was shocked at not only how well this was working, but how eager this being was to answer my questions. I wanted to try something a bit more dangerous. Since
april 26 2008
asking about Mr. Slim caused him to appear, I asked if it’s safe to ask about the big man. SAFEFORNOW. What is he? ADMINISTRATOR. What does he administrate? SESSION. What is the session? CURSE. How do I lift the curse? SACRIFICE. Sacrifice what? EVERYTHING. These answers were getting a bit heavy, so I went on a limb and asked something more challenging. How do you know all this? IKNOWALL. Can you prove it? ASKSPECIFIC. I thought for a moment and asked something only I knew. What’s my favorite song? BLACKESTEYES. I was stunned. I’ve never told ANYONE that Blackest Eyes by Porcupine Tree is my favorite song, but somehow this nebulous manifestation knew. At this point, the burning questions that I really wanted to know the answers to bubbled to the surface. Did Robert die in the fire? I started crying before the glass stopped at NO under my shaky fingers. I asked where my father is now. ORDER. What caused the fire? ARSON. I held my breath. Who set the fire? MARY. I screamed in anger. Why? SELFISH. Did she burn down Noah’s house too? YES. Screamed again. Why? TWISTEDMERCY. I felt nothing but white hot rage. Did she blow up the boat in 1995? ACCOMPLICE. What can I do to stop her? SAFE. Is there another key to open it? The board went silent. I asked again. Nothing. Then, it moved. SHECOMES. I heard the front door open. They were home early. Shit. I slid the Ouija pizza box under my bed, blew out the candles, and threw some clothes from the hamper on the floor
april 26 2008
to cover up the salt. Mom barged in and said that the concert was bad so they left and brought back Burger King, which fucking sucks because I’ve been completely turned off to Burger King since that awful lingering stench traumatized my nostrils in the car back when we went to Karl’s place. She complained about the smell from the incense and candles but was none the wiser of my seance. I kept my cool as best I could staring into the glassy eyes of the woman I call Mom, but with every fiber of my being I wanted to jump up from the floor and beat the fucking shit out of her. This witch of a woman destroyed our family. She burned down our homes. She’s an accomplice behind the boat incident, meaning she’s somehow responsible for the deaths of Tommy Henderson and Sonia Maxwell. She’s the reason why Dad isn’t here… but he’s still alive somewhere, something to do with “ORDER”. I need to get in that motherfucking safe, I know in my heart that there must be something dirty as shit in there that will incriminate her. But first, Noah. I have to tell him what’s just beyond the horizon. I have to prepare him for the storm. I have to show him the beast. One more week. I keep hearing whispers.
Tribe Twelve was cancelled in 2020 due to credible grooming allegations against its creator. This archive will remain solely to recognize Tribe Twelve as an outstanding and influential series, all other associations severed.
To view the series’ unfinished conclusion, see Journal of Sebastian Kraus and The End of Tribe Twelve.
